Old and New Jokes

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened."The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron.""What about the other one?""They called back."

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another …

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, Mam … I dont know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener.

Someone loses a trailer home.

Good new Bad news


The bad news is a new pope has been elected.


The other bad new is the smoke was pink,


signifying hes a registered sex offender.

10. Im a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.
9. Do you pay overtime?
8. I hate flying.
7. Im useless without twelve hours of sleep a night.
6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.
5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?
4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.
3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.
2. Two words: family first.
1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

A Watchdog

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDAs suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Two bachelors were talking about their respective choice of life partner.

One friend said, “It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion?”

The friend replied, “Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with money!”

Bill Clinton is living proof why stupid people shouldnt vote.