Old and New Jokes

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

Yo mama like peanut butter… smooth and easy to spread.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be
the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other
possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year
phase-in plan that would be known as EuroEnglish.

In the first year, s will replace the soft c. Sertainly, this will make the
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard c will be dropped in favour of the k.
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome
ph will be replased with the letter f. This will make words like fotograf
20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach
the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben
a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the
silent es in the languag is drisgrasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th year, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th with z
and w with v.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou
and similar shanges vud of kors be aplied to ozer kombinations of leters. After
zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or
difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ish ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Theres a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.

Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.

You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before in your case; Im going to let you decide where you want to go.

Bill replied, well, whats the difference between the two? St. Peter said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

Fine, but where should I go first?

Ill leave that up to you.

Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!

Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. Hmmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he told St. Peter.

Fine, retorted St. Peter, as you desire.

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. Hows everything going? he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?

That was a demo, replied St. Peter.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

If everything goes as planned this evening, we shouldnt run more than hour late.

Our next guest is the greatest guy in the world. And thats not my opinion – its his.

These handouts may not make much sense at first, but youll discover that theyre very handy to doodle on when I get real boring.

This lighting really plays tricks on your eyes. Im actually a lot more handsome and skinnier than I look.

Thats a very good question. See me during the break, and Ill avoid answering it then, too.

Dont be embarrassed to ask even the simplest, most basic question–Those are the only one Ill be able to answer.

Our guest of honor finally got an office with a window, but now he spends all day asking, Would you like fries with that order?

I think the small turnout can be blamed on your excellent newsletter – obviously, too many people knew Id be here.

I dont want to suggest that todays food was bad, but three terrorist groups have called in to claim responsibility.

Gee, is my time up already? It seems like only last Thursday I started this speech.

Can any of you relate to these addiction quips? I sure can 🙂

The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

The remote to the T.V. is missing…and you dont even care.

You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month unlimited!

You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

The last girl you picked up was a 800×66 jpeg.

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP …because you never log off!

Your wife makes a new rule: The computer cannot come to bed with us.

You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do and you dont even have a job.

You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.

You have comandeered your teenagers phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

You check your email. It says no new messages. So you check it again…and again…and again…

You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.

Your dog has its own home page.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you dont have a clue when it happened.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Youre surprised to learn theres also a 2 oclock in the afternoon.

You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.

Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeyes.

Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Father OFlannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peters gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?
The man responds My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years
Very well, says St. Peter, Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks What is your name and what did you accomplish?
He responds, Im Father OFlannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.
Very well, says St. Peter, Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.
Wait a minute, says OFlannagan, You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?
Well, St. Peter replied, We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!