Old and New Jokes

Question: How do you catch a bear?

Solution: First you dig a hole and fill it up with ashes. Then you take some peas and and put it around the hole and when the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

A Baby seal walked into a club

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their wedding vows, so they planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasnt going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.Nancy replied, Silver.At that point, her husband chimed in, Yep, silver…to match her hair.Shooting a glaring look at Johns head, Nancys friend said, So John, I guess you are going barefoot?

La niña, de tan sólo 8 años, le pregunta a su mamá:

¿Oye, mami, las niñas de mi edad nos podemos embarazar?

No, contesta la madre muy preocupada. Las niñas buenas como tú, no se pueden embarazar. Es imposible.

Dirigiéndose al niño que la acompañaba, la pequeña le anima:

Ya ves, tonto, no te asustes, los mareos son por pasearme tanto en el columpio.

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

What does Micheal Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

Three guys who were lost at sea ended up landing on an unfamiliar island. After wandering around for a while, a group of natives picked them up and took them to their hut. The chief came up to them and said, We will let you live, if you can go out into the jungle and bring me 10 pieces of fruit. So the men agree and take off. The first guy brings back 10 apples and places them before the chief. Now, you must stick the apples up your ass and not show a bit of emotion, or else we will kill you. The guy got one, and on the second, he flinched and was killed. The second guy walks up and shows the chief 10 berries. He is given the same task and makes it up to 8 and then begins to laugh histerically. He is also killed. When the second guy gets to heaven and meets up with the first, the first asks him You almost had it! Why did you laugh?? The second replies, I couldnt help it. I got the 8th up there and saw the other guy walking up with pineapples.

Due to budget cuts….the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that hes the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, I dont know what were voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

It was in the mid of the seventh century. Before going on a cruisade the Count put on a special kind of moral-belt on his wife. It had a built-in guillotine that automatically would neutralize anything wanting to get into the noble part of her.

Three years later, he returned to his grounds. As he first spotted the people there, he noticed that something had happened while he had been away on the seas. He suspected, but didnt like the thought, that something dealing with his wife had occured.

So, he called all men of the village and told them to line up at the main square, where he ordered them to take off their pants. Horrified, he saw that the guillotine of his had been exceptionally efficient. There wasnt any man left in the village that could do a mans work.

But – there was one small guy, beside them all, that seemed to be all fine. The Count, surpressing his disappointment, approached him and said in a sad voice: So, you were the only one I could trust?

The guy opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but not a word came out of his mouth.

The Count was surprised: What is it? Why arent you talking to me? Have you lost your tongue…