Old and New Jokes

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.


But officer, the man began, I can explain.


Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.


But, officer, I just wanted to say,…


And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!


A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.


Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the cells
The convicts were locked up
All madder than hell

Except for the lifers
Kicked back in their bunks
Heads filled with visions
Of fat little punks

When suddenly from the roof top
There arose such a roar
That the bulls thought it was
A riot for sure

The goon squad ran in
And stood ready to hit
A big guard yelled out
Who started this shit

It came from the roof top
Snivelled a snitch
It must be a breakout
Oh, son of a bitch

They climbed to the roof
By way of the stairs
Found a fat little freak
In red underwear

No, No yelled the dude
I bring you good cheer
Damn said the Captain
We found us a queer

Alright mother fucker
Get your hands on the wall
They shook him down good
Asshole and all

They beat him and threw him
Into the hole with a kick
Well so much for Christmas
They locked up St. Nick

As you know by now, in 1997 we shall all be a single community, with a single business market, and to facilitate the most productive and efficient use of working hours within the EU, plans are now well under way to implement the decimalisation of time. The old imperial system of 60 seconds to a minute, 24 hours to a day and 7 days to an imperial week is ridded with inconsistencies and is naturally therefore confusing and in urgent need of reform.

The new system, to come into effect on June 1 st 1997, is to be called Eurotime and will offer a vastly simplified decimalised time programme, with 10 Euroseconds to the Eurominute, 10 Eurominutes to the Eurohour, 10 Eurohours to one Euroday and 10 Eurodays to one Euroweek. Further to this, there will be 10 Euroweeks to one Euromonth and ten Euromonths to one Euroyear. Decades will remain unchanged.

As the new Euroyear will be composed of ten as opposed to twelve months, it is proposed that the months be completely standardised and renamed in honour of the longest serving members of the European Parliament.

While converting to the new time system, you will be able to easily reckon the Eurotime equivalent of any imperial time by simply multiplying the number by 12.374 and then dividing the result by 4.42 and subtracting 7.

A full brochure and handy reckoning table, will be sent to your property closer to the time of conversion. In the meantime, if your joint income is below ECU 3,000 per annum, you may qualify for a grant to convert your household to Eurotime, and should apply now care of your local M.E.P

The distribution of announcements by electronic means is a new venture for the Bureau of Administration and Planning, please help by forwarding this letter to anyone you know with an electronic mail address. Thank you.

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why dont we take off our panties sos we be cool Eloise says, Oh, I dont know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed.

So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, Eloise, honey, I just cant stand this heat. We jess gots to take off our panties sos we be cool? And Eloise says, Mary Jane , I juss cant, Id be too embarrassed. So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, Eloise, honey, look up there on the poch of dat house. Jess look at dat. Ill bet she be cool.

And Mary Jane says, Less go axe her. So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poch of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon….. tell us… is you cool?

And the woman says, Honey child… I dont no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon!

A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard.

I always knew God would take care of us, said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.

I like to hear you say that, beamed the mother. Always remember that God is in his heaven watching over us.

Oh, I wasnt talking about that God, the five year old interrupted.

I was talking about the COAST God.

These three guys – an American, Chinese, and German – were
shipwrecked on a desert island. The German found this smokey bottle.
So he brought it back to the other two and they all opened it togther
(the German was a really nice guy). Well, low and behold, a GENIE
POPPED OUT! The genie granted them each one wish, and of course all
three wanted to be back home. So the genie said he would grant them
their wishes.

But first, you must all do me a favor. Mr. American – I want you
to built me a restaurant here. Mr. German – you will make the kitchen
for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman – you will get the supplies for the
restaurant. I have a hot date waiting for me in Bagdad, so I have to
go. But I will return in ONE MONTH. At that time, if you satisfied my
requirements, I will grant your wishes.

So for one month, the three men American and German toiled while
the Oriental kinda lazed around and gave a helping hand to the other
two. Then about 4 days before the genies expected return, the
Oriental disappeared.

Well, the genie came back, just as he promised, and asked to be
shown what they had done.

He was amazed by the restaurant! Five dining rooms, a tremendous
main lobby – all made of bamboo! It was a magnificent feat. As for the
kitchen – full utensils, running gas stoves, pots, pans – all made
from shells, bamboo, and coconuts. An absolute wonder!

But where are the supplies from Mr. Chinaman?

The two men said they didnt know. All they knew was that he had
disappered a few days ago and they hadnt seen hide nor hair of him
since then. Suddenly from the shadows, out leaped the Oriental,
shouting in a loud voice:

SUPLISE!!!!!!!!!

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
acquisitions, It was announced today at a press conference
that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source
said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years,
ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed
that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and
eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides.
By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of
Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs
are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the
hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the
dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to A
great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the
more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed
that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising
resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the
sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years
was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies
for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last
year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared
happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of
Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that,
were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the
holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help
to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference
by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come All Ye
Faithful.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ford!
Ford who?
Ford hes a jolly good fellow!

Whats the difference between a black guy and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a silent debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay.

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. Well, said Moishe, first he said to me, You Jews have three days to get out of here. So I said to him, Up yours. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews … we stay right here!

And then? asked a woman.

Who knows? said Rabbi Moishe. We broke for lunch.