Old and New Jokes

You can always find what youre not looking for.

Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semesters credit for it!

Private Jones was assigned to the army induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Servicemans Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasnt long before the centers lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the lieutenant stood in the back of the room and listened to Joness sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said:

If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you dont have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.

Now, he concluded, which recruits do you think they are going to send into battle first?

Dear Son:

Your Paw has a job. Its the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we dont know what to do with it. Paw gets $17.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house.

We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape.

On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain & get fresh water for the other foot.

Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so Im using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfathers picture.

Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We cant write on it very well, so Im using it to wrap Paws lunch. Take care of yourself.

Maw

Bills Song

This should be sung to the tune A Few of My Favorite Things from the movie The Sound of Music

The Bill Clinton version:

My Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places, Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces, Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring, These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers, Horny young interns who while way the hours, Profits from futures that Hillary brings, These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites, When Ken Starr stings, When Im feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I dont feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected, Naming to judgeships some hacks Ive selected, Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing, These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury, Falling down drunk that required knee surgery Stars in the White House who come here to sing, These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony, States of the Union with lots of baloney, Winning debates and the joy of my flings, These are a few of my favorite things

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, Its a lot of money! After much hemming and hawing,
the bank staff finally ushered her into the presidents office (the customer is
always right!).

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, $165,000! and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked
her, Maam, Im surprised youre carrying so much cash around. Where did you
get this money? The old lady replied, I make bets. The president then asked,
Bets? What kind of bets? The old woman said, Well, for example, Ill bet you
$25,000 that your balls are square. Ha! laughed the president, Thats a
stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet! The old lady challenged, So,
would you like to take my bet? Sure, said the president, Ill bet $25,000
that my balls are not square! The little old lady then said, Okay, but since
there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at
10:00 am as a witness? Sure! replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time
in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and
again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her
lawyer at the presidents office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: $25,000 says the presidents balls are square! The president
agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they
could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his
balls and then asked if she could feel them. Well, Okay, said the president,
$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure. Just
then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, What the hells the matter with your lawyer?
She replied, Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, Id
have The Bank of Canadas presidents balls in my hand.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked When youre in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? Artie said: I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man. Eugene commented: I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives. Don said: Id like them to say, Look, hes moving!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Phoebe!
Phoebe who?
Phoebe too expensive for me!

El DAS tenía una vacante para un asesino. Estas posiciones altamente calificadas son duras de llenar y hay muchas pruebas y verificación de referencias implicadas antes de que usted pueda incluso ser considerado para la posición.

Después de evaluar a algunos aspirantes a través de las verificaciones, entrenamientos y pruebas, las opciones se redujeron a dos hombres y una mujer para la única posición disponible.

Llegó el día de la prueba final para definir quién conseguiría el trabajo. Los agentes que administraban la prueba llevaron a uno de los hombres a una puerta grande de metal y le dieron un arma.

Debemos confirmar que usted seguirá nuestras instrucciones sin importar bajo qué circunstancias. Dentro de este sitio, usted encontrará a su esposa sentada en una silla. Tome esta arma y mátela.

El hombre, con una mirada de asombro, respondió:

Usted no puede estar hablando en serio. Yo nunca podría matar a mi propia esposa.

Bien. Entonces, usted definitivamente no es la persona adecuada para este trabajo.

Así, que trajeron al segundo hombre a la misma puerta, le entregaron el arma y le explicaron los mismos parámetros de la prueba. El segundo hombre miró algo sobresaltado, pero sin embargo tomo el arma y entró al cuarto. Todo estuvo en silencio por cerca de 5 minutos, entonces la puerta se abrió. El hombre salió del cuarto con lágrimas en sus ojos y dijo:

Intenté matarla, pero simplemente no pude halar el gatillo. Supongo que no soy el hombre adecuado para el trabajo.

No, usted no tiene lo que se necesita para esto. Tome a su esposa y vaya a casa.

Ahora sólo les quedaba la mujer. La conducen a la misma puerta y le dan la misma arma.

Como prueba final, debemos estar seguros de que usted seguirá las instrucciones sin importar las circunstancias. Adentro encontrará a su marido sentado en una silla. Tome esta arma y mátelo.

La mujer tomó el arma y abrió la puerta. Antes, incluso de que la puerta se cerrara completamente, los agentes oyeron a la mujer descargar, uno por uno, cada tiro disponible en el cargador.

Entonces el mismo infierno se apoderó de aquel cuarto. Se oyeron gritos, desgarramientos, golpes en las paredes. Esto continuó por varios minutos y finalmente todo quedó en silencio. La puerta se abrió lentamente y allí estaba parada la mujer. Se limpió el sudor de la frente y dijo:

¡Mierda! No me dijeron que el arma estaba cargada con balas de salva, así que tuve que matarlo a coñazos con la silla.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.



The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, Jim, which was posted on the Internet. Its funny, as

well as informative:



Dear Dr. Laura:



Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding Gods Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend

the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.



I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other

specific laws and how to follow them.



1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord-Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?



2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?



3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness-Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.



4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and

female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why cant I own Canadians?



5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?



6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an

abomination-Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I dont agree. Can you settle this?



7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?



8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?



9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?



10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldnt we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)



I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that Gods word is eternal and unchanging.





Your devoted fan,

Jim.