Old and New Jokes

You call mall rent-a-cops jack-booted thugs.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Zeke!
Zeke who?
Zeke and you shall find!

Q. How do you know that a blondes been on the computer using Microsoft Word?

A. Theres White-out all over the screen!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

51. Cry a lot.

A Teacher was trying to get her class to pay attention the last few days of school so she came up with a project that her students had to go home and make their parents tell them a story and have a moral to it. The next day all the kids had great stories and then Jimmy raised his hand and the teacher asked him if he had a story and he said you betIts about my Aunt Carol,she was a pilot flying over Iraq and she got shot down and all she had was a pistol,a knife and a bottle of wisky! so she quickly drank the bottle of wisky because she figured she fall into a group of Iraqies! So,sure enough she fell into a group of 12 Iraqies,she shot 9 of them with her pistol,2 of them with her knife until it broke and strangled 1 with her bare hands and asked if it had a moral to it and he said You bet, dont mess with my Aunt Carol when she is drinking.

16. Lets just say that in the movie version of your life, youd be played by Pauly Shore.
15. Your idea of conquering Deep Blue involves employing your gastro-intestinal system to attack the Tidy Bowl man.
14. The computer: A highly sophisticated electronic brain from IBM. You: A highly intoxicated electrician from NJ.
13. Before moving your queen, you insist on consulting Eddie Murphy.
12. Computer: lauded by scientists for its ability to calculate millions of chess moves per minute. You: lauded by fraternity buddies for your ability to pass gas and burp simultaneously.
11. You cant make a single move without thinking of huge juicy shrimp.
10. In your circle, castling means holing-up in your trailer with an AK-47 and a bottle of bourbon.
9. Your garlic breath strategy fails to intimidate this particular opponent.
8. Your populist leanings always result in you inciting your pawns to wipe out their own king and queen.
7. Kasparovs idol: Bobby Fisher. Your idol: Eddie Fisher.
6. The press has nicknamed you Deep Doo.
5. You plan to use the James T. Kirk Strategy – talk the computer into blowing itself up.
4. Video tapes of you shouting at the ATM are legendary among the bank security staff.
3. Computer: Intel Inside. You: Imbecile Inside.
2. After your move, you slap the computer monitor and shout, King me, Pentium-breath!

   and the Number 1 Sign You Wont Beat a Computer at Chess…

1. You counter *every* move with a Smirnoff opening.

Florence Flask was … dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!

Now, now, my dear, replied her husband, keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps theyre mislead.

No, I know theyre stolen, cried Florence. I remember putting them in my burette … We must call a copper.

Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium.

We must be careful — hes a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there. With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway …

— Daniel B. Murphy, Precipitations

You might be a redneck if…
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

The British Navy was sailing along when the First Mate ran up to the Admiral.

He said Sir, their are eight Spanish ships heading for us.

The Admiral told the First Mate to go get his red dress suit for him. The First Mate asked Why?.

The Admiral said So if I get shot, the men wont see the blood and will keep on fighting.

The First Mate ran off to get the suit but came back quickly.

Sir, there are another eighty Spanish ships running us down from the opposite direction!

The Admiral exclaimed, Run and fetch me my brown pants, quickly!

En una entrevista secreta entre un periodista árabe y Bin Laden el periodista le pregunta:

Usted es el autor intelectual del atentado a las torres gemelas?

Sí, respondió Bin Laden.

¿Y lo del pentágono?

También.

Y dígame, ¿lo de la embajada en Kenia?

También.

¿Sabe algo de los autores de la Amia y la embajada de Israel?

Yo fui el autor intelectual de esos dos atentados.

¿Y qué hay de una entrevista secreta con el expresidente de Argentina, Carlos Menen?

¡NOOOO… Yo quilombos no quiero!