Old and New Jokes

There was this man who was about to go on a trip to England. The day before he left he asked his next-door neighbor, Mrs. Dunn, if she wanted anything from England.

Yes, she said. Could you please find my son Neely. Hes been gone 10 years and has not written or phoned me. Ever! I write to him but he never replies. I try to phone him but he never seems to be in. Anyway, heres his address. And on a back of a handy envelope she scribbled:

Neely Dunn

WC1

London, England.

The next day, the man embarked on his journey. The plane landed at Heathrow. He got off the plane and was walking down the corridor when he saw a sign saying WC.

He entered the room, and saw that it was a washroom. He proceeded to the first toilet stall, knocked on the door and said: – Are you Neely Dunn?

Yes, but I ran out of paper, came the reply.

Well, thats no excuse not to write your mother!!

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

An italian walks into a hotel in malta and finds he has no sheet on his bed so he tells the owner i want a shite on my bed the owner says you had better shit on the bed.

A man walks into a bar carrying jumper cables.

The bartender says, Hey! Dont you try to start anything in here.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when………………………………the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Un tipo se perdió en la selva amazónica, fue encontrado por una tribu de caníbales y llevado donde el jefe.

Dice el jefe, Qué bueno, es para mi cena. Pongan el caldero.

Ponen el caldero, le echan agua, lo ponen al fuego y al tipo lo meten en la olla.

Al momento de estar allí el tipo empieza a reir a carcajadas. El jefe, asombrado, se levanta del trono y le pregunta por qué se ríe si lo estan cocinando, y el tipo le responde:

¡Oh, jefe, porque me le cague en la sopa!

Un tipo llega borracho y de madrugada a su casa. Como no traía las llaves consigo, se dirige al patio de su casa y ve que su perro lleva un periquito muerto en el hocico.

¡Dios mío, si es el loro de la vecina!, exclama el sujeto.

El hombre se inquieta y, apenado, pone al ave en la jaula de la vecina y se va a dormir. Al día siguiente, cuando se despierta, ve que su esposa está llorando y pregunta la causa; la mujer le informa:

Es que se murió la vecina.

Pero, ¿cómo es posible?, si ayer la vi en perfectas condiciones.

Es que le dio un infarto, porque ayer enterró al loro que se le murió, y éste apareció en su jaula esta mañana.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes. The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten! The woman said, Thats okay. For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. The woman replied, Thats okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me. So shes the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. The woman said,Thats okay, because whats mine is his and whats his is mine. So, shes the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, Id like a mild heart attack.

En la clase de Pepito pregunta la profesora: Carlitos, ¿una palabra con la letra c?, y Pepito le susurra: di culero, di culero, el niño no le hace caso y contesta cama.

Luego dice la maestra: Luisito, una palabra con la letra m, y cuchichea Pepito: di mierda, di mierda.

Y así sucesivamente, hasta que le colma la paciencia a la profesora y ésta piensa: hoy voy a fregar a este Pepito.

A ver Pepito, 11 palabras con la letra p. Y comienza Pepito: pinche, puta profesora, pensó pisar Pepito, pero Pepito prevenido, puso preservativo.

What do you call a Fireman who constantly gets people out of buildings when there is no danger???

A PRE-MATURE EVACUATOR