Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

The British Navy was sailing along when the First Mate ran up to the Admiral.

He said Sir, their are eight Spanish ships heading for us.

The Admiral told the First Mate to go get his red dress suit for him. The First Mate asked Why?.

The Admiral said So if I get shot, the men wont see the blood and will keep on fighting.

The First Mate ran off to get the suit but came back quickly.

Sir, there are another eighty Spanish ships running us down from the opposite direction!

The Admiral exclaimed, Run and fetch me my brown pants, quickly!

En una entrevista secreta entre un periodista árabe y Bin Laden el periodista le pregunta:

Usted es el autor intelectual del atentado a las torres gemelas?

Sí, respondió Bin Laden.

¿Y lo del pentágono?

También.

Y dígame, ¿lo de la embajada en Kenia?

También.

¿Sabe algo de los autores de la Amia y la embajada de Israel?

Yo fui el autor intelectual de esos dos atentados.

¿Y qué hay de una entrevista secreta con el expresidente de Argentina, Carlos Menen?

¡NOOOO… Yo quilombos no quiero!

Humankinds propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male.

They have a lot of data, but theyre still clueless.

A better model is just around the corner.

They look nice and shiny until you get them home.

Its always essential to have a backup.

Theyll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.

The best part of having one is the games you can play.

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

The lights are on but nobodys home.

Big power surges knock them out at night.

Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female.

Theyre oh so picky, picky, picky.

They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

Beauty is only shell deep.

When you ask them whats wrong, they always say nothing.

They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

They are always turning simple statements into big productions.

Small talk is important.

You do the same thing for years, and suddenly its wrong.

They make you take the garbage out.

Miss a period and they go wild.

Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

The US government is throwing away millions of unused stamps with pictures of favorite lawyers on them.



The people that use them don’t know which side to spit on!

Youre so ugly that when you were born, the doctor slapped your mom.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Two French brothers were in England, visiting long-lost relatives, their English cousins. Having high tea with Lady Windham, Pierre was making chit-chat: Tell us about your children, dear cousin.

Oh, said the Englishwoman, alas, I have no children.

I see, piped in Jean-Claude, you are FRUITLESS.

Seeing the expression on Lady Windhams face, Pierre said, I think that the proper term is UNBEARABLE.

Non, non, corrected Jean-Claude, Ive got it now: shes IMPREGNABLE.

The lady winced, and Pierre said, Perhaps the word were looking for is INSURMOUNTABLE

Voila! I have it, exclaimed Jean-Claude, our dear cousin in INSCRUTABLE!