Old and New Jokes

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.

A little girl asks her Mom, May I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom says, No honey, the dog is in heat.
Whats that mean? asked the child.

Go ask your Father. I think hes in the garage.
The little girl goes to the garage and says, Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you.

Her Dad said, Bring Susie over here.

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dogs rear end with it and said, Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Her Dad asks, Wheres Susie?

The girl replies, Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and theres another dog pushing her home!

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.May I see your drivers license and registration please.?Whats the problem, officer?You just ran that stop sign back there.Oh come on, pal, there wasnt a car within miles of me.Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.You gotta be kidding me.Its no joke, sir.Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.Thats beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didnt. Now, if I may see your license and…Youve got a lot of time on your hands, pal. Whats the matter, all the donut shops closed?Sir, Ill overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately.I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop.The policeman had enough.Sir, I can do better than that.He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.Now, sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to complete stop?

When visiting Argentina, Bill Clinton was offered a book by a local reporter, who does this kind of stuff. The book was Kama Sutra. Clinton looked at the cover and gave the book back.

Not-so-releable witnesses have reported that while handing the book back Clinton mumbled: Seen that. Done that. Been there.

But the story isnt over yet. Another reporter gave Bill a saxofone. Billy boy didnt take that one either, perhaps commenting: Sorry, Im not into that kind of blowing anymore

Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

A: Because he stapled himself to the chicken.

161. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

A: Write Please turn over on both sides of a piece of paper

162. Q: Why arent there many blonde gymnasts?

A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

163. Q: Why do blondes have legs?

A1: So they dont get stuck to the ground.

A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.

A3: So they dont leave trails, like little snails.

164. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?

A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.

165. Q: What is the irritating part around a blondes vagina?

A: The Blonde!

166. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?

A: Flattered.

167. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?

A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-

1.

168. Q: Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the Drive Inn Theater?

A: They went to see Closed for the Season

169. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if shed ever been picked up by the fuzz?

A: No. But Ive been swung around by the tits.

170. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?

A: An interpreter.

171. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?

A: A mental block.

172. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

173. Q: What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other?

A: An air mattress.

174. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

A: A dope ring.

175. Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?

A: Sweet Fuck All…

176. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?

A: Frosted Flakes.

177. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?

A: Air bubbles.

178. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted Flakes.

179. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?

A: Last years hide-and-seek champ.

180. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?

A: A Space Invader.

a jewish boy comes home and tells his father that he needs $5 for tommorow

four dollars?!?! replies the father what do you need three dollars for?

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?

A: A Space Invader.

This young woman brought her child into Childrens Hospital
for a routine check-up. On the records, the nurse saw that
the childs first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not
wanting to be rude, but wanting to know why this woman would
name her child this, the nurse asked her how Urine got her name.

The woman explained, Well, my baby was born premature and had
to stay in the special nursery. She was real sick and they
didnt know if she would make it. I couldnt decide what to
name her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One
day I came in and there was this paper on her incubator that
said Please save Urine, so I knew that they had named my baby.