Old and New Jokes

1. Trying on sunglasses with the tag still attached to the bridge.

2. The person behind you in the supermarket who keeps running their cart into the back of your ankle.

3. The way everyone drives slower when youre in a hurry.

4. The way everyone drives right on your bumper when you slow down to look for an address.

5. You open a can of soup – or anything, really – and the lid falls in to it.

6. Finding out you stepped in dog poop … AFTER youve walked across your carpet.

7. Drinking from a soda can you thought was yours only to discover someone had extinguished their cigarette in it.

8. Slicing your tongue licking an envelope.

9. The tire gauge that lets out half the air in your tire while youre trying to get a reading.

10. Televisions or radios that come in brilliantly while you tune them then fade to snow and tatic as you walk away.

11. Realizing you never washed that bright red shirt by itself before … after everything else in the load comes out pink.

12. Setting your alarm clock for p.m. instead of a.m.

13. A fantastic song on the radio and the DJ doesnt tell you who it is.

14. Having to say to five different salespeople, No thanks, Im just looking.

15. You reach under a table to pick something up and whack your head coming back up.

16. The candy bar or bag of chips that gets stuck on the rotating clip in a vending machine.

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, Im not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.



The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, – Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?



The player thought for a moment and then answered, 4?

Did you say 4?! the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.



Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, Come on coach, give him another chance!

Many traditional Jewish congregations refuse to count snowmen in the prayer quorum.

Medieval Jewish mystics practiced rolling in the snow to purge themselves from evil urges. They were the first snow angels.

Moses Maimonides, 10th century physician to the Egyptian Khalif, prescribed snow as a cure for the hot Cairo summers.

The elders of Safed have 36 different words for snow – but none for snow removal.

During 3 particularly cold Sinai winters, the Israelites were led by a pillar of snow.

It is forbidden to write in the snow on the Sabbath.

Following the great Jerusalem blizzard of 1900, Zionist visionary Theodor Herzl proposed the Uganda option.

According to some rabbinic authorities, one must wait six hours between going out in the snow and in the rain.

On snowy days, the procession of King Solomons immediate family was pulled by 2,800 reindeer and 1,200 huskies.

Israels national hockey team participated in the 1992 Winter Games, dominating both the Olympic village and concession area.

On January 9, 1896, a snowball from St. Patricks elementary school landed in Mrs. Manischewitzs kitchen, inspiring her to invent matzo ball soup.

Of the entire Hebrew scriptures, the Book of Job contains the most references to snow. Hence the expression, Snow Job.

His hand caught fire.

Apparently, in the London, Ontario daily newspaper, the city was
advertising job offers for firefighters (I heard this on a Hamilton
radio station). At the bottom, they had the usual disclaimer:

The City of London is an equal opportunity employer. We also
provide all of our employees with a smoke-free workplace.

10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns

9. Wind Beneath My Vestments

8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)

7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe

6. Exactly Like A Virgin

5. Sistine Candles

4. Take This Job And Read It

3. Gettin Popey Wit It

2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

1. Papas Got A Brand New Encyclical

A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets away.

Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfathers clock which he prized highly.

Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again. After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him.

Mister, he said thickly, could I ash you a questn?

What is it? demanded the exhausted young man.

Why on earth dont you carry a watch?

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.

The brunette came in first, the redhead second.

The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked; I dont want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.

My mother got this from an Ann Landers column:

A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of
the Alamo, said, Ill bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston.

Ever hear of Paul Revere? asked the Bostonian.

Paul Revere? said the Texan. Isnt he the guy who ran for help?

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off.