Old and New Jokes

Hey bob,Will you rember me tomorrow?? Yes Will you rember me next week?? Yes Will you rember me next month?? Yes Will yoiu rember me next year?? Yeah Knock Knock Whos There?? See, you forgot me already!!!!!!

Why cant dogs use computers?

Because you cant stick your head out of Windows 95

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.
Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking the man,
Arent they cute, what are their names?
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, I dont know.
The lady asked again, Which is the boy and which is the girl?
The man looking angrier than before replied, I dont know.
The woman then started to scold the man, What kind of a father are you?
The man replied, I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company.

It is not generally known that when Moses first came down from the Mount the tabernacles contained fourteen commandments. When he read them out to the Children of Israel there was great commotion.

One of the spokesmen said to Moses This is very hard on us Moses, please go back and try to reason with the Lord . Explain that we are human and to keep all these commandments will place great hardship on us. So, very reluctantly Moses went back up to the Mount with the tabernacles and after a week, gaunt and haggard came stumbling back to the Tents of Israel. The people gathered around expectantly and the spokesman asked Nu, Moses, how did it go up there?

Moses could hardly speak, he was hoarse from his week long pleadings for his people. Finally he said Well, I have good news and bad news, The good news is that I managed to get it down to only ten commandments, but the bad news is that adultery is still in!.

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.

"I have chapped lips."

"Does manure help them heal?"

"No, but it keeps me from licking them."

The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response time doesnt bother the Real Programmer — it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only inpresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation. In general:

• No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless its the ones at night.)
• Real Programmers dont wear neckties.
• Real Programmers dont wear high heeled shoes. [But you *never* know!]
• Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.
• A Real Programmer might or might not know his wifes name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (and/or EBCDIC) code table.
• Real Programmers dont know how to cook. Grocery stores arent open at three in the morning.
• Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.

Thanx to William Conway.

Right where you left him.

STOCK:
A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND:
What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER:
The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.
BEAR:
What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL:
What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN:
Where you scribble the latest quotes when youre supposed to be listening to your managers presentation.
SHORT POSITION:
A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesnt actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in. (i.e. The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, Im a little short this month.).
COMMISSION:
The only reliable way to wake money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK:
What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them up end to end, theyd still point in the wrong direction?

Yo mama is so stupid she thought dunkin donuts was a basketball team.

Yo momma so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed