Old and New Jokes

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

A young woman said to her doctor, You have to help me, I hurt all over!

What do you mean? said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe. Ow, even THAT hurts!

The doctor asked the woman, Are you a natural blonde?

Why yes, she said.

I thought so, said the doctor. You have a sprained finger.

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,

Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.

Because, the man says, I live in a two-story house.

The Judge replies, What kind of a reason is that! Whats the big deal about a two-story house?

The man answers, Well Judge, one story is…**I have a headache** and the other story is **Its that time of the month!**

Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? a little girl asked. No, I dont think so. Fifi is in heat, replied the mother. What does that mean? asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage.

The little girl goes to the garage and says, Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you. Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, Bring Fifi over here. He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dogs rear end with it. Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once.

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. Where is Fifi? her father asked. She should be here in a minute, advised the daughter. She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.

Santa Singh wanted to lose weight desperately and so he consulted a doctor. The doctor told him that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would lose 34 kilos.

Santa followed the doctors advice and at the end of 300 days, he called the doctor to report that he had actually lost the weight, but had a problem. Whats the problem, asked the doctor?

I am 2400 kilometers away from home

Yo mama is so short, that she can run track around the toilet!

Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.

Heard on FM-99 WNOR in Hampton, VA on 5/21/91:

(DJ Henry The Bull Del Toro was imitating an old man talking about his
younger years…)

I had a near death experience. I was driving home one night with my
fourth wife and two couples we were friendly with. All of a sudden,
the car flips over and were all standin at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter
looks at one of the couples I was with and says to the man, Youre so
cheap, you married a woman named Penny. Go to Hell! St. Peter then
looks at the next couple we were with and says to the man, Why, youre
such a boozer, you married a woman named Brandy. Go to Hell! So I
says to my wife, Come on, Fanny, were out of here!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dewey!
Dewey who?
Dewey have to keep saying all these jokes!

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genies lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, I will grant three wishes, one for each of you. The first said, I wish I were smarter. So she became a redhead. The second blonde said I wish I were smarter than her. She became a brunette. The third blond said I wish I were smarter than both of them. So she became a man.