Father OFlannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peters gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?
The man responds My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years
Very well, says St. Peter, Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks What is your name and what did you accomplish?
He responds, Im Father OFlannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.
Very well, says St. Peter, Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.
Wait a minute, says OFlannagan, You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?
Well, St. Peter replied, We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!
A: Because it says on the box: good for up to 20 pounds.
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
Im so ashamed, Doctor, she said, I guess I let myself go.
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears.
Dont feel ashamed, Miss. You dont look that bad.
Do you really think so, Doctor?
she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.
Un esclavo negro caminaba lastimosamente por el desierto. Estaba a punto de morir de sed y calor, cuando tropezó con una lámpara. La frotó, y de inmediato que aparece un genio, el cual le agradece que lo liberara y le pregunta:
Dime Amo, ¿cuáles son los tres deseos que me vas a pedir?
El negro, considerando su situación actual, le pide:
Deseo ser blanco, tener mucha, mucha agua y ver todo el tiempo bellos culitos de mujer.
A la orden, Amo.
Y el negro quedó convertido en retrete de mujeres…
You remember to mail a letter only when youre nowhere near a mailbox.
The Byrds are getting together for a 24 venue reunion tour. Sources say that new member George W. Bush will be playing drums and guitar to save money for the band. Apparantly, a Bush in the band is worth two in the Byrds.
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
Theyre both fun to ride, but you dont want your friends to see either one.
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said: You used to hold my hand when we were courting.
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: Then you used to kiss me.
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you would to bite my neck
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
Where are you going? she asked.
To get my teeth!
What I Want In A Man, ORIGINAL List
———————————–
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, REVISED List
———————————-
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesnt belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesnt nod off while Im emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends