Old and New Jokes

At a talent show, little boy was singing the ABCs. He sang, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

The judge asked him, Where did the P go?

Down my pants, said the little boy.

Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.



SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.



SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.



SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.



SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.



SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.



SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.



SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.



SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.



SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.



SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.



SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: Its water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.



SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.



SYMPTOM: Dont recognize anyone, dont recognize the room youre in.

FAULT: Youve wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.



SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.



SYMPTOM: Dont remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.



The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away… Saying that, he opened the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others were quite impressed.



The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…. Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it… an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, I havent eaten anything in four days.

She looked at him and said, God, I wish I had your willpower.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, Im here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. Thats quite a coincidence, said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. How do you start a flood? he asked.

Yo mama so fat shes got Amtrak written on her leg.

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that shes speeding so she asks the blonde if theres a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his hes got his lights on. The blonde replies Yes…No…Yes…No…Yes…No

Baton Rouge. He knew the police would never look for a Heisman trophy winner at LSU.

A blonde walks into the library and says to the librarian, Can I have a burger and fries? Sorry, this is a library. So the blonde whispers, Oh, may I have a burger and fries?