Old and New Jokes

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You cant get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

Suppose you have a professor hold up two apples and asks a class How many objects am I holding? you would probably get different responses from different majors like….

Business: Two Juicy, delious apples that are on sale at my store.



Chemistry: 6×10^30 apple molecules



History: You are holding dinosaur poop



Music: You are holding two objects that if you drop them you will get a D4



Education: Two Apples



Accounting: You are holding one apple because the other one has to go to the government as tax



Psycology: What objects?



Math: You are holding two sets of objects, that take up a finite amount of space called apples.



English: You are holding two lush pieces of fruit, that are nourishing and remind me of my dog Fido. Fido thy sweet fruit. So nourshing in my time of need, you fill me up with……



Art: Two apples (Ha, Ha…Thank goodness for photoshop. The perfect oportunity to take a picture of the professor and alter the picture so that I have a blackmail photo).



Computer Science: Two apples (Ill take the art majors picture and post it on my website for all to see, and add links so that people could find similar pictures(and I make $)).

Did you know that Bill Clinton really was supportive of Monica throughout
thier tryst?

He kept telling her, Chin up young lady, chin up.

Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and

come home?

A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a

television.

When a salesperson calls… 1. Insist you only trade in furs. 2. Hint that your on the verge of suicide. 3. Speak only in Pig Latin 4. Ask what the person is wearing. 5. Suddenly burst into showtunes. 6. Say OK ill pay the ransom by three, just STOP CALLING Hang up before they respond. 7. Answer the call with Bat Cave. 8. Pretend like you are a phone sex operator. Act as if they are calling in. 9. Say you have mental telepathy and that they should get there mind out of the gutter. 10. Act as if you are in the bathroom. Constapation noises help. 11. Slowly move the reciver away and then scream loudly YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!! Start crying. 12. Scream THE VOICES and hang up. 13. In a very manly tone, say Mommys not home right now, can me and teddy take a message? 14. Ask them to hold on and scream Get Fluffy away form the toaster! 15. End the conversation with This conversation never happened. Hang up immediantly. 16. Act as if they are your best friend. Inquire about the wife and kids. 17. Play Barry Manilow in the background and yell ROCK ON!!!!!! 18. Talk in a lisp and say Hold on sweetcakes, Ill be right back! 19. Make songs with the button tones. 20. Repeat everything they say. 21. Talk in third person. 22. Keep asking where they are from, when they ask why say oh youll find out soon enough then cackle murderously. 23. Ask how many Yen that will cost. 24. If they are male, act as if they are female, vise-versa. 25. Make weird noises for no reason then demand why they did that. 26. Pretend its a war and that CHARLIES ALL OVER ME!!! make bomb noises if nessasary. 27.Do bird calls and insist that your listening. 28. Ask them if they want a Valium. 29. Laugh histarically every time they say and. 30. Pretend you are trying to get them to join your cult.

** What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

** What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

** What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton.

Q. Why cant they find a cure for AIDS?

A. They cant get the mice to buttfuck.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a pinata?

The pinata puts out when you hit it, but you still have to buy the blonde dinner first.

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm.
The man thought,Hey this is good. So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm.
The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes.
The bartender looks over at the man and says, Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.

My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him. Hey, mister! Pssst, mister! Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.

Hey mister, said the frog. A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If youll just kiss me Ill turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.

Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again, Hey! Didnt you hear me? I said if youll kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.

Dad replied, I heard you, but at my age, Id rather just have a talking frog!