An old hands off sign, useful for anyone with delicate apparatus …
Achtung! Dummkopfen!
Das machine ist NICHT fur gerfingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy snappen der springenwerk und poppencorken mit spitzensparken! Keepen Sie die hands in die pockets und watchen Sie das blinkenlights!
Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A: Theyre all married
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didnt move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man crying.
No, its not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison …
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed, the Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming I cant sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there! Its against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig, I cant be the one out there.The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying Theres a COW in the barn! I cant sleep in the same room as a cow! Its against my religion!The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said hed go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered…
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the
edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said Stop! Dont do it!
Why shouldnt I? he said.
I said, Well, theres so much to live for!
Like what?
Well … are you religious or atheist?
Religious.
Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?
Christian.
Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?
Protestant.
Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?
Baptist.
Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the
Lord?
Baptist Church of God.
Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed
Baptist Church of God?
Reformed Baptist Church of God.
Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?
Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!
To which I said, Die, heretic scum! and pushed him off.
Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them.
In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for certain services just to reduce costs even more. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.
Un niño le dice a la mamá:
Mami, mami, mi hermanito no es un angelito.
Claro que lo es, tu hermanito menor es un angelito lindo.
No, porque cuando lo boté del tercer piso no voló.
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
Ive never been better! he boasted. Ive got an eighteen year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.
The doctor continued, So he was in the woods and suddently a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened? the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, No.
The doctor continued, The bear dropped dead in front of him!
Thats impossible! exclaimed the old man. Someone else must have shot that bear!
Thats kind of what Im getting at … replied the doctor.
George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore
Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evils Agent
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em
Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Zs
A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: Im a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
President Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he finds
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired. Heres your kit; go sell!
The second came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired! Heres your kit; go sell!
The third came in and said, I- i – I wa – wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi – bi – bi – Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!
No, shouted the man, this will never work! You cant sell Bibles for me! The applicant replied, B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!
As there were no other applicants, he man said, OK, Ill give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!
At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, I sold 8 Bibles today. The second reports: I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles! Great, says the man. However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!
At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, Today, I sold 32 Bibles. The second worker reports, I sold 44 Bibles today The third worker reports, To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles.
Fantastic, said the man, since youre doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why dont you tell them what your sales technique is. Replied the worker, I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b–b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi – want to buy a Bi–b–a – a- abi – buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to *READ* it to em?