(This is from a little book called Buurmans hemd nader bekeken, by
Harry de Jong (in Dutch). I thought it deserved a bigger audience.
Hans)
How often a week do you sleep with your wife?
asked the inquirer.
Three times, I said without hesitation.
That is once more often than your neighbour,
the inquirer said, writing.
That makes sense, I said, after all, shes my wife.
Hans Buurman, Pattern Recognition Group
Faculty of Applied Physics, Delft University of Technology
This blind Jew got a matza, held it in his hand and said:
– Who wrote this garbage!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.
You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!
Hey, coola down lady, said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.
Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes.
1. Now, doctor, isnt it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes
quietly away and doesnt know anything about it
until the next morning?
2. Q: What heppened then?
A: He told me, he says, I have to kill you because
you can identify me.
Q: Did he kill you?
3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
5. Were you alone or by yourself?
6. How long have you been a French Canadian?
7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
that picture.
A: Thats me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: Ill be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
13. So you were gone until you returned?
14. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
15. You dont know what it was, and you didnt know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, Your Honor, Id like to strike the next
question.
18. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you
examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy!
19. Have you ever thought of committing unvoluntary manslaughter?
20. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury! Please take a long,
hard look at this alleged repeat sex offender….
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while
the other is just having a baby.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
Ears pierced – while you wait!
Save regularly in our bank. Youll never reget it.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
How do you make two pounds of fat better?
Add a nipple.
Yo Momma so ugly, the neighbor kids dare each other to ring her doorbell on Halloween.
There was a couple involved in a very bad car accident. The wifes face was badly burned. The doctors said they could take the burnt skin and replace it with extra skin.
The womans husband gladly allowed the doctors to use some skin from his behind.
The woman healed beautifully and ask her husband if there was anything she could do for him for being so nice to donate his skin.
And the husband replied, no need…I get all the satisfaction I could ever want each time your mother kisses you on the cheek!