Old and New Jokes

by Robert Chen

You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

21. When theyre not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show contents to everyone and say, This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some.

22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving everyone an evil eye.

23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weightlift them.

24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.

25. During the meal, yell out, Oh my gosh! Its still alive! Grab your knife and start hacking at the meat.

26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When youre in the dining hall, stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.

27. Practice singing.

28. Randomly stop people from eating and try to convince them that their food is poisoned.

29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.

30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically. Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.

A place where people who are run down wind up.

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, Heres another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchical society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat, and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, Look, lady, youve got to let me get up. Im two miles past my stop already!

This was passed on to me by a colleague. Original source appears to be from W. Fred Rump from a German geneology list.

A cat flap is called a cat flap because they are designed for use by cats as opposed to dogs, giraffes or humans. They are relatively small openings in doors of houses that let the cat go in and out at leisure.

In Germany, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his front door cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art.

Mr. Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because he had mislaid his keys. Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student pranksters who removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright blue, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying: Germany Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give generously.

Passers-by assumed Mr. Burpus screams were part of the act and it was only when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed.

I kept calling for help, he said, but people just said Very Good! Very Clever! and threw coins at me.

Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and youll have all the light you need.

The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation.

After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.

His friend was quick to wire back: Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, “Whats in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.”

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Q.what do you call 32 rednecks in one room?
A.full set of teeth

Taken again from MATT GROENINGS BIG BOOK OF HELL… (have fun BKP 🙂

FLIGHT DELAYED? HOURS TO KILL? WHY NOT
SPEND A PORTION OF YOUR LIFE AT…

A K K BBBB A RRRR JJJJJ EEEE FFFF FFFF SSSS
A A K K B B A A R R J E F F S
AAAAA KKK BBBB AAAAA RRRR AND J EEEE FFFF FFFF SSSS
A A K K B B A A R R J J E F F S
A A K K BBBB A A R R JJJ EEEE F F SSSS

A I RRRR PPPP OOO RRRR TTTTT
A A I R R P P O O R R T
AAAAA I RRRR PPPP O O RRRR T
A A I R R P O O R R T
A A I R R P OOO R R T

SSSS N N A CCCC K K BBBB A RRRR
S NN N A A C K K B B A A R R
SSSS N N N AAAAA C KKK BBBB AAAAA RRRR
S N NN A A C K K B B A A R R
SSSS N N A A CCCC K K BBBB A A R R

WHERE THE ELITE MEET TO EAT REHEATED MEATY TREATS

FEATURING:
* Heavily breaded seafood sticks made with yummy Crabuluxe
* Eggy scramblers with chunk-style
baco-nibblets and hidden yolk packets
* Grandma Akbars old-fashioned extra-chewy
non-baked fudge-like brownie squares
* Hand-dipped non-diry chee-zee nachos
*Ultra-jumbo super-crunchy choco-chip cookies
individually wrapped in plastic for your dining safety

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ Relax and enjoy your meal in comfort at one ~
~ of our contoured plastic eating stations ~
~ while watching planes refuel and little ~
~ trucks drive around!!! ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

___________________ ____________________
| SOUP O DU JOUR | Served to you by dazed-looking |3 DISTINCT FLAVORS|
| | employees who earn less per | OF SALAD DRESSING|
| Clammy chowder | hour than you will spend on | * Tasty white |
| packed with | your airport snack! | * Zesty orange |
|vitamin-fortified| | * Unique yellow |
| cornstarch | |!Its your choice!|
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WHEN YOURE STUCK AT THE AIRPORT, YOURE STUCK WITH US