Old and New Jokes

A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway.

One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble.

Pulling over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer.

After driving a few miles the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway.

As was his custom, the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney.

Surprised upon hearing a loud thump as he passed the attorney, the truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side of the road.

Im so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney! the truck driver plead.

You did my son, but I got him with the door! gleed the Nun.

A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD, USA, hey decided to send it to President Clinton. Bill was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95.

A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.

The brunette sees her husband, and he is carrying flowers.

The brunette says to the blonde now Im going to half to spread my legs!, and the blonde says why? dont you have a vase?

They can never find Left Guard at the store!

SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS. READ AND SAVE THESE INSTRUCTIONS.

WARNING: The following basic safety precautions should always be followed to reduce the risk of fire, shock and personal injury.

Check the voltage on the nameplate.

Implies check the face to see if all is OK

Keep the work place clean.

Which means, ensure there are no knifes, blades or other objects within reach. These invite injuries to the tool (e.g Bobbitization), or to the personnel.

Consider the work environment.

Keep the area well lit (Unfortunately 90% of the time tool is used in dark)

Keep children away.

Before operating the tool make sure that the children are fast asleep.

Store the tool.

When not in use, store the tool in a dry place away from childrens reach.

Do not force the tool.

The tool will do its job better and safer at a rate for which it is intended. Do not overwork the tool.

Use the right tool.

When the job is big and the tool is small then change the job. Never force a small tool to do the job of a heavy duty tool.

Dress properly.

Do not wear loose jewellery, when using the tool as it may get caught in the moving parts.
Use a rubber glove (condom) when using the tool outdoors.

Do not abuse the tool.

Never pull the tool by its balls!, to disconnect it from the socket.

Secure the job.

Use clamps to hold the job. It is safer that way, it frees both the hands for other uses.

Maintain the tool.

Keep the tool clean for safer and better performance.
Inspect the tool periodically and, if damaged have it repaired by a qualified person.

Disconnect the tool.

When servicing.

Avoid unintentional starting.

Always keep your emotions under control.

Stay alert.

Watch what you are doing. (Drilling the right hole or the wrong one!)
Use common sense.
Do not operate the tool when tired, or after alcohol

Check damaged parts.

Before using the tool check the guarding parts (e.g rubber glove), ensure that they will operate properly and perform the intended functions.

Have the tool serviced by a qaulified person.

Repairs must be carried out by a qualified person otherwise this may result in damage to the tool and the user.

Q: Whats the difference between a crush, lust, and love?

A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling!

Your mama is so nasty, when you said, Mama, what are we going to have for dinner?

She stuck out her foot and said, CORNS.

If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: <smash the lightbulb>

OK, try again.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Five. Two to argue over whether the buddha nature already resides
in the empty socket, one to light a candle instead, and two to
shovel out the outhouses.

On a related topic:

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: How many do you think it takes?

Tom Neff

God made oceans, God made lakes, God made NSYNC but hey, we all make

mistakes!!!!