A blonde competed with a brunette and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first, the redhead second.
The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, I dont want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when theyre on the train they can tell if theyre going to work or coming home.
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, T-square, do your stuff!. T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, Slide Rule, do your stuff!. Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, Measure, do your stuff!. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, What can your dog do?. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, Coffee Break, do your stuff!. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.
Juan y su mujer estaban recogiendo los trastos en el desván y encuentran un recibo de una zapaterÃa. La fecha señala que el recibo tenÃa once años. Los dos se rieron e intentaron recordar cual de ellos se habÃa olvidado de recoger el par de zapatos.
¿Será posible que todavÃa tengan los zapatos? le pregunta Juan a su mujer.
No lo creo, responde su mujer.
Vale la pena ir a ver, dice Juan, metiendo el recibo en el bolsillo y con eso, se va a la tienda.
Al llegar a la zapaterÃa le da el recibo al dependiente. El dependiente examina el recibo y le dice Espere un momento que voy a buscarlos. Y con eso desaparece para buscarlos.
Después de un rato, Juan oye la voz del dependiente, ¡Aquà están!
¿De veras? dice Juan. ¡Qué suerte! No me lo creÃa después de tanto tiempo.
El dependiente vuelve al mostrador sin los zapatos y le dice, Estarán listos para el jueves.
You might be a redneck if…
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: Sir, did you call for me? Bob replies: No, what do you mean? She says: You must be new here; let me explain. Its a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me. Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: Sir, did you call for me? Bob replies: No, what do you mean? The Huge Man: You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me. The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: May I help you? Bob says: Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee. Receptionist: But Sir, youve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities…..
Bob replies: Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
*** Signs that you just might have a drinking problem. ***
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth … now THATS a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger — forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says Hi when you come in.
Hi ocifer. Im not under the affluence of incohol.
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively modern invention.
(This is a bit old, but Ive just finally got around to mailing it.)
Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, was quoted in The Technique,
Georgia Techs newspaper, last November (after the computer worm hit the net):
It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some
of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp,
probably not someone here on campus.
This guy walks up to this movie house with a chicken under his arm. He asked for a ticket. The lady at the counter told him that the chicken was not allowed in the movie house. He said You dont understand! The chicken goes everywhere with me! She told him again that the chicken wasnt allowed so he walked over to a nearby alley. He quickly stuffed the chicken down his pants.
He runs and buys a ticket and sits down.
These two girls come in later and sit by him because they thought he was cute. It was an R rated show. He starts watching the movie. He suddenly remembers
the chicken. He unzips he pants and the chicken heads comes out so it can breathe. The girl next to him taps her hand on her shoulder. The guy next to me is playing with himself!
She replied Just ignore it. I just saw a girl flash her boobs on screen, its kinda a sexy movie just forget about it! A little while later she taps on her friend again. He playing with himself again!!! She replies I told you not to pay any attention! She tells her in a gruff voice, But its eating my popcorn!!!!!