Old and New Jokes

A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, Im sick of your polack jokes and Im going to knock the shit out of you. Im sorry, it was all in good fun, replied the comedian. The polack retorted, I was talking to little asshole on your knee."

A teacher asked her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

Mary said, My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.

The teacher said, That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.

Sally raised her hand and said, My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.

The teacher said, Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.

The teacher said, That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word fascinate in your sentence.

Little Johnny continued, But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?

A: They forgot the recipe.

Dont let your mouth write no check that your tail cant cash. – Bo Diddley

What is a Jewish American Princesss favorite wine?

I want to go to Miaaaaammmmmiiiii.

A truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer
for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The
next day the farmer drove up and said, Sorry, but I have some bad
news. The donkey died.

Well, then, just give me my money back.

Cant do that. I went and spent it already.

OK, then. Just unload the donkey.

What ya gonna do with him?

Im going to raffle him off.

You cant raffle off a dead donkey!

Sure I can. Watch me. I just wont tell anybody hes dead.

A month later the farmer met up with the truck driver and asked, What
happened with that dead donkey?

I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and I
made a profit of $898.

Didnt anyone complain?

Sure, but just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars.

Why was the blonde mad when she got her drivers license back? Because she got an F in Sex.

When Gavaskar finds out that there has been released, a movie, in Australia called Gavaskar, he is very happy. He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once.

With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry!

He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, What do you mean by this? You named your movie Gavaskar, but didnt show anything about me in it!.

The director of the movie laughs and says, So now you understand the problem? You people too made a movie called Border, but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?

[Overheard in a restaurant]

It seems that all of those secret police guys in East Germany wont be jobless
for long. Most of the field agents have been snapped up by cab companies,
since they know their areas so well, and the desk workers have been hired
as dispatchers. The neat thing about the new dispatchers is that all they need
is the name of the customer and they can give the cabbies the address.