Old and New Jokes

The Original Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks hes a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

The New Liberal Version:

It starts out the same, but when winter comes, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up and provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association for the Advancement of Green Bugs) shows up on NightLine and charges the ant with Green Bias and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings Its Not Easy Being Green.

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the Temperatures of the 80s.

Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the Ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the Ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act, RETROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00 PM when there are no talk shows scheduled.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house hes in – which just happens to be the ants old house – crumbles around him since he doesnt know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ants food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of Fairness has dawned in America and will continue under the leadership of Al Gore.

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your
dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme>.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven
must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the
oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain/again/again.crap>. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit
in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However, that
version has yet to be released.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.

A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm. She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand.

Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.

The policeman asked, Hey Lady, everybody is taking a look at what youve got. Dont you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?

Look, sonny,…. What these people are looking at is 85 years old…But this friggin hat is BRAND NEW!

Q. Why is 6 afraid of 7?

A. Because 7, 8, 9. !!!!!!!!!!

True story…

I have a blonde friend who spent the night with me. We were playing with my dog Trixie, who was performing trick after trick after trick. I said See why we named her Trixie?

My blonde friend said, So why did you name her Trixie?

one guy walks in to a bar sees a crying donkey sitting on a pot of gold and he asks the bartender whats up with the gold? The bartender said if you can get the donkey to shut up the gold is yours.

The guy says ok, and he walks over to the donkey and whispers something in the donkeys ear the donkeys cracks up laughing so the guy gets the pot of gold.

A week later he walks into the bar and sees the donkey still laughing sitting on another pot of gold he asks the the bartender was up with the gold the bar tender said if you can get the donkey to shut up,Ill give you the gold.

The guy says ok but ill have to take him out side the bartender says ok then the guy takes the donkey out side for a min walks back in 5 min later and the donkys crying again the bartender asks how in the hell did you do that the guy says to make him laugh I said my dick was bigger than his, and to make him cry I showed him.

Whats the good part about Alzheimers Disease ?

You keep meeting new friends !

Medicine is like advise, easy to give, hard to take.

10. All thats left of your Olympic fever is a dry hacking cough
9. You imagine your hands around the throat of that Coke-drinking polar bear
8. You say, Oh good, Hangin with Mr. Cooper is on tonight
7. Whenever the Olympic theme music ends you find youve put another fork into the back of your hand
6. Youre NBC President Warren Littlefield
5. You decide against naming your baby girl Picabo
4. Your name is Bonnie Blair and youve starting using your five gold medals as coasters
3. Actually watched The Jackson Family Honors
2. You beg your son to let you return to Indiana

   (Daves mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show)

1. No longer laugh at the name Gillooly

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A tea bag.