Un marica se pasea por un campo nudista cuando, a unos treinta metros, ve caminando hacia él a un hombre bien formado y con un miembro que le llega a media pierna.
El afeminado no le quita la vista de encima y cuando se topan de frente, el fortachón le pregunta: ¿Qué le ve, mi amigo, qué no la conoce?
¡Ay no!, y tomándole el miembro continúa: Mucho gusto; se da media vuelta y tocándose las nalgas: Le presento a unas amigas.
True story:
About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.
At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.
With my gown raised, she uttered the words, Okay, small prick, and proceeded with the injection.
Im still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the
Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, A penny
for your thoughts. The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, Well,
I was thinkin how nice it would be if yed give me a wee bit of a kiss.
So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long
enough for the lass to ask him, What arre ye thinkin now? To which the
lad replied:
Well, I was hopin ye hadnt forgot the penny!
1) Stand on top of the high board and say you wont come down until your demands are met.
2) Tell the lifeguards that they arent doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5) Take a flutter board and pretend you cant swim.
6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, Oh yeah… oooh that feels soooo good….
9) Sit on the top of the water slide and dont move.
10) Swim near someone and go Shoot! I knew I shouldnt have had so much lemonade before I came here.
11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say HA-HA, fooled you!
13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say Wheee! Im Batman! while running around.
21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.
22) Throw peoples things into the pool.
23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
Seems that the censors (they know who they are) banned the airing of an instructional show on PBS that purported to introduce young people to music.
Their reasoning? Too much Sax and Violins.
Una pareja de recién casados hijos de papi, deciden tener descendencia, pero resulta que por más que lo intentan, nada de nada. Al cabo de un año de intentos y más intentos fallidos deciden investigar si en algún lugar del mundo hay alguien que, a cualquier precio, pudiera ayudarlos a ver realizado su sueño.
Encuentran a un medico de los yuesei (EEUU) que tiene un método maravilloso, aunque supercaro y reservado a parejas con alto poder adquisitivo, dispuestas a pagarse el viaje a niuyorc.
Resulta que la pareja no habla inglés, y además, el Doctor tampoco habla español. Asà que por señas consiguen entender que lo que el médico quiere es verlos en acción. La pareja, un poco aturdida y avergonzada, lo consulta antes por celular con papi y deciden que no hay más remedio, y hacen lo que les pide el doctor.
Se ponen a darle con todo su brÃo, y el doctor se queda allÃ, mirando, observando atentamente, desde cada ángulo, hasta que por fin dice STOP. Se sienta en su mesa con aire interesante, y extiende la receta sin mediar palabra.
Muy contentos vuelven ellos para su ciudad natal y van corriendo a la farmacia de guardia para pedir su receta:
Buenas noches.
Buenaaass.
¿Tiene usted Triteoterol?
¿Como dice?
SÃ, TRI-TE-O-TER-OL.
Triteoterol, Triteoterol… no me suena a nada.
Oiga, se lo juro, que venimos ahora mismo de los yuesei y nos lo ha recetado un superdoctor…
La mano del farmacéutico sale del agujerito de guardia y les pide ver la receta. Perplejo, el farmacéutico les dice:
Creo que han leido mal… Aquà dice… ¡¡¡TRY THE OTHER HOLE!!!
Bueno: Tu hija encontró trabajo.
Malo: De prostituta.
Peor: Sus clientes son tus compañeros de trabajo.
Pésimo: Ella gana mas que tú.
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. Im much too young to die! Im only 35!
St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
After investigating, he told the attorney, Im afraid that their is no mistake my son…
We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours youve billed to your clients, and youre at least 108 years old!
1. My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)
(dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his fathers fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
I dont know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday,
we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasnt the best either, sore throat and fever. There must
be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His
father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed
with the doctor.
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: Women and children first.
Nixon goes: Fuck the women.
Clinton: Do you think we have time?