Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.

Lower corner of screen has the words Etch-a-sketch on it.
Its celebrity spokesman is that Hey Vern! guy.
In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friends car.
Its slogan is Pentium: redefining mathematics.
The quick reference manual is 120 pages long.
Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
The screen often displays the message, Aint it break time yet?
The manual contains only one sentence: Good Luck!
The only chip inside is a Dorito.
Youve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fruit!
Fruit who?
Fruit of the loom!

Whats the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?

A blonde lets you leave the bed when you are satisfied – a redhead lets you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

Top ten reasons why hockey is better than sex – seen in a collegiate womens hockey club program

The protective equipment is reusable, and you dont even have to wash it.
Its legal to play hockey professionally.
The puck is ALWAYS hard.
Because theres no body checking, you cant get pregnant except in most unusual circumstances.
It lasts a full hour.
You know youre finished when the buzzer sounds.
Your parents cheer when you score.
A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommmon.
Periods last only 15 minutes.
You can count on it at least twice a week.
You can tell your friends about it afterward.

Yes, I realize there are 11 reasons, but the claim is that it is a top ten list. Wendy Istvanick UW-Madison – Go Badgers!!!

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesnt have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: How many grains of sand are on the beach? needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: How many stars are in the sky? and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says, heres this weeks question, Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, ok, whos the comedian with the black balls?

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.



The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.



The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.



The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

A: Too many cheetahs.

Psychiatrist:

1) Mind-sweeper.

2) Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Psychiatry: The care of the id by the odd.