Old and New Jokes

There is a long line of applicants waiting to get into heaven one day. To relieve the boredom, St. Peter leaves a junior angel in charge at the gate, and strolls down the line chatting here and there.

Hes gone about 30 feet when he stops before a married couple and says: Im sorry, but you two cant enter.

Why not?! demands the man angrily.

Well, you obviously love food more than God, since you married a girl named Candy says St. Peter. Sadly, they turn away.

About 10 minutes later, he comes to another couple, and throws them out. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!! shouts the man. I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION!!!

Thats easy, says St. Peter, anyone who would marry a girl named Penny must love money more than God, and those people go to the other place.

Just about this time, three couples back in line, a man turns to his wife and says Come on Fanny, theres NO hope for us, we might as well leave!

Customer: Is this tea Im drinking? It tastes like kerosene!

Waitress: It must be hon, our coffee tastes like turpentine.

A contributor on here sent me chapter one of a joke book shes planning to publish, and asked me what she should get for it.

I wrote back, At least 6 months.

The boy had been sitting in the restaurant for 20 minutes while his date continued to stare at the menu. Jody, do you always have such difficulty in making up your mind?

Well … yes and no. she replied.

Im telling ya Marge, theres nothing like a five mile jog, then, an ice cold shower to start your day off in the morning.

Marge looked at her obviously overweight friend and replied, How long have you been doing this?

I start tomorrow! she answered.

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. Is it true that an alligator wont attack you if you carry a flashlight?

The cousin smirked and replied, Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight.

The Father knocked on the bathroom door where his teenage daughter had been taking a bath for over an hour. Cindy! Just how long will you be in that bathtub?

From the other side of the door came the reply: Oh Daddy! Water affects your weight, not your height. Im still 54!

Una noche, antes de acostarse, le dice una vieja a su marido:

Mi amor, hoy quiero que hagamos el amor en el piso.

¡¿En el piso?! Pero, mi amor, ¿y esa fantasía de donde te salió?

Viejo, es que hoy quiero sentir algo duro.

Q. Why do men always want their brides to wear white?

A. Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

What happend to the man who died on an overdose of Viagra? They couldnt close the coffin.

There was a scientist who wanted to see how smart kids were before they went to kindergarten.
He blind-folded them and gave them a lime lifesaver to eat. He asked them if they knew what kind it was.
Lime they all replied
Very good! the scientist said What about this one? He gave them a honey flavored one and asked them if they knew what it was but no one knew.
Cmon! he said Its what your mommy calls your daddy
All of the sudden one kid spits it out and yells out EVERYBODY SPIT IT OUT — THEYRE A$$HOLES!

Lorena Bobbitts sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her infamous sister had done years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.



She allegedly missed the target and slashed her husband on the lower abdomen, doing minor damage. The husband is in stable condition.





Luella has been charged with one count of misdewiener.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

A young woman said to her doctor, You have to help me, I hurt all over!

What do you mean? said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe. Ow, even THAT hurts!

The doctor asked the woman, Are you a natural blonde?

Why yes, she said.

I thought so, said the doctor. You have a sprained finger.