Old and New Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?

A: He goes around saying, Yo.

Lyles Joke Boutique.

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after hed gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, Do you have a hammer?

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer.

The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, Do you have a chisel?

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, What are you doing to my wife?

Not a thing, replied old doc Carver. I cant get my instrument bag open.

A woman walks into a veterinarians waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit obviously does not want to be there.

Sit, Fluffy! she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customers lap, getting water all over him.

I said sit, now theres a good Fluffy, says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, – Darn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:

Please pardon me… I just washed my hare, and cant do a damn thing with it!

Two Swedish coal miners (Sven & Olaf) were down in the mine working. The noon whistle blew for lunch and Sven pulled out a thermos of hot coffee. Olaf looks at it and says, Say, Sven, vat you got dere?

Sven says, Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle.

Olaf says, Ya, I have to get me one.

That night Olaf goes home, but forgets what it is called. So the next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Sven pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Olaf looks at it and says, Say, Sven, vat you got dere?

Sven says, Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle.

Olaf says, Ya, I have to get me one.

That night Olaf goes home but forgets what it is called again. Well Olaf really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks hes going to write it down so he remembers what it is.

The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Sven pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Olaf looks at it and says, Say, Sven, vat you got dere?

Well, by this time Sven is getting just a little bit pissed. Every day Olaf asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Olaf isnt going to remember anyway. So Sven says, Dis is a contraceptive.

Olaf says, Ya, I have to get me one. And he writes it down.

That night Olaf is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, Can I help you?

Olaf says, Ya, Id like a contraceptive.

And the pharmacist says, Sure, what size?

Olaf says, Give me da 2 quart size, Ill be working in da hole all day!

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted Flakes.

On the twelfth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me,

12 reasons to cancel,

11 channels not working,

10 hours without mail,

9 frozen chat rooms,

8 hours of busy signals,

7 frozen IMs,

6 disconnections,

5 web crashes,

4 idiots at tech help,

3 error messages,

2 pieces of junk mail,

and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said,
Its bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesnt find them.

The second nun said, Ive found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.

The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.

Good morning, sister, the chemist said, what can I do for you today?

Id like some condoms please, said the nun.

The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.

Ill take six boxes. That should last about a week, said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.

Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.

The sister thought for a minute and finally said:
Im not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?

1) Im bored. Lets shave my pussy!

2) Shouldnt you be out drinking with your friends?

3) Great fart!! Rip another one!

4) Pet names are silly. I just call it my c*nt.

5) You should see the shit I just birthed.

6) Id rather play Duke Nukem than go shopping.

7) Lets start subscribing to Hustler.

8) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?

9) Ill swallow it all. I love the taste of it!

10) Are you sure youve had enough to drink? Im buying.

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.

When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral, Joe began.

You mean the parking lot, interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

I walked up the trail to the gate, Joe continued.

The sidewalk to the door, Charlie corrected him.

Inside the door, I was met by this dude, Joe went on.

That would be the usher, Charlie explained.

Well, the usher led me down the chute, Joe said.

You mean the aisle, Charlie said.

Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there, Joe continued.

Pew, Charlie retorted.

Yeah, recalled joe. Thats what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.

There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:

General Practitioners know nothing and do little.

Surgeons know little and do everything.

Internists knows everything and do nothing.

Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but its usually too late.