There was an Irishman, a New Zealand man and an American man standing on the roof of a building, with an awning below them.
The American said to the Irishman: I bet I could jump off this roof, land on the awning and bounce back off. So he jumped off, hit the awning, and was soon back on the roof. There. Now you try. he said to the Irishman.
So the Irishman jumped off, and fell SPLAT on the ground.
The New Zealander said to the American : Jeez, Superman, you are a real jerk sometimes!
What does WIFE stand for?
Washing Ironing Food Entertainment
In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front of him, the person turned and asked, what the hell you are doing?
Well, said the guy massaging the back, you see Im a chiropractor and I cant help massaging your back, in fact I cant help practicing my art.
Are you crazy? the other guy said, Im a lawyer, am I fucking the guy in front of me!
what if you were fixing a bowl of cereal and when you took the first bite, it was PORKIN beans and cereal?
What if your knees were coconuts?
What if you opened up your backpack and there was an evil, bloody baby inside?
What if you were eating a candy bar and it had PORKIN beans instead of peanuts?
What if somebody stabbed you in your asshole with a used cake knife?
What if a gross, hairy eyeball was crawling up your leg?
What if you took a shower with a stinking, dead heart of an armadillo instead of soap?
What if you were stuck in a small, pitch-black closet with a thousand nasty sewer rats, and they were crawling over your body, especially your knees, neck, and mouth?
What if you were brushing your hair with a used tampon?
What if you bit into an apple and it was filled with cottage cheese – small curd?
What if you were ugly?
What if you were having sex with a diseased billy goat?
What if you took a bath in sweat from a woman named Bertha?
What if you had fresh produce and this sweaty cashier with nastiness on his hands touched it?
What if your skin was peanut brittle?
What if your skin was stucco?
What if your toes were penises?
What if your gel deodorant was mayonnaise?
What if your nuts were bleeding bile?
What if your eyes were nipples?
What if (you were a woman) you took off your maxi pad and it had boo boo in the front of it?
What if someone put pepper in your cereal?
What if GOD was one of us?
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papas mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com –
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santas workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington thats just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem – pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist,
Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist –
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!
And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winters nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
A red head goes for a drive in the country and she has to stop as there is a farmer who is moving his sheep from one pasture to another across the road. She rolls down the window and says to the farmer, If I can tell you the exact number of sheep that you have, can I keep one?
The farmer figuring that a city girl would never be able to agreed.
The red head guesses the number and is 100% correct. I mean not off by one sheep.
The farmer is an honest man and tells her that she did guess the right number.
She gets out of her car, selects her animal and puts it in the car. Just before she drives away, the farmer asked her a question. If I can tell you the real color of your hair can I have my dog back?
Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, itll cost him $7.00, but hell make $18,550 while hes there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, hell make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. Hell probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. Hell make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. Hell make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, hell pull in about $5600. In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isnt it? Keep reading!BUT…If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, hell still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins.
Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.
The exam was “fill in the blank†and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.†Bubba was stumped — he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasnt watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. “Tiny, whats the answer to the last question?†Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadnt noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, youre so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.†“Oh yeah,†said Bubba, “I remember now.†he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?†“You are really dumb, Bubba. thats so easy,†hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.â€
A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer.
Then he thought Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I cant run down this lawyer and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didnt see anything.
He turned to the priest and said Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road And the priest said Dont worry son, I got him with my door
Leave bacteria alone for 200 years and it will develop its own culture