Old and New Jokes

Why do the Irish call their basic currency the Punt?

Because it rhymes with bank manager, and… did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?

He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

Patient: Doctor, people tell me Im a wheelbarrow. Psychiatrist: Dont let people push you around.

What is Black and White, and Red all over?

Answer: A Skunk with a diaper rash.

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign ……………. What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria …………… Back door to cafeteria.

Barium …………….. What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section ……. A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan ……………. Searching for the cat.

Cauterize ………. Made eye contact with her.

Colic …………… A sheep dog.

Coma …………… A punctuation mark.

D&C ……………. Where Washington is.

Dilate …………. To live longer than your kids do.

Enema …………. Not a friend.

Fester ………… Quicker than someone else.

Fibula ………… A small lie.

G.I.Series ……… World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail ……….. What you hang your coat on.

Impotent ……….. Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain ………. Getting hurt at work.

Morbid ………….. A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates ………… Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff ……. A Doctors cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node ……………….. I knew it.

Outpatient ………….. A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear ……………. A fatherhood test.

Pelvis ………………. Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative ……….. A letter carrier.

Recovery Room …. Place to do upholstery.

Secretion ……. Hiding something.

Tablet ………. A small table to change babies on.

Seizure ………. Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness …. Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor …………… More than one.

Urine …………… Opposite of mine.

Varicose ………… Near by.

Hospital ………… The biggest building in town, other than Eds feed warehouse.

Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? – 45 lbs. Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? – 45 minutes

Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I dont know what he looks like! What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? – Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $

3.99 a minute.

How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? Its not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy!

Whats a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex? A. Honey, Ill be home in 20 minutes.

Q: Whats the cheapest kind of meat?

A: Deer balls. They are under a buck.

Single women complain that all good men are married, while allmarried women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there isno such thing as a good man.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

From the February issue of MacUser letters to the editor.

I got married a couple of weeks ago and took my PowerBook 165 along (on the honeymoon) to keep up with e-mail. On the last day of the trip, I drove over my PowerBook with my father-in-laws car.

My wife put it by the front tire, and I unknowingly backed up the car over it.

(note: it survived much I am sure to his wifes disappointment.)

The Editors opined the perhaps his wife was trying to tell him something.

I guess it would have been OK if he had brought a DuoDock instead of a PowerBook 165. 😉

(For the PC addicted a DuoDock is a sub portable powerbook which when you want to play games and the like you insert into a slot in a Docking station to obtain a full fledged desk top station with all the bells and whistles. … I know (GROAN)

When Rabbi Levy retired, the congregation decided to plant a tree on the shul grounds in commemoration of his years of service.

At the Board meeting, someone suggested an oak tree, because the rabbi grew the congregation from a little acorn. Someone else, a critic of the rabbi, suggested a locust, a reference to one of the plagues in Exodus. As the discussion became heated, the gabbai spoke up.

None of you mentioned the rabbis service as a mohel, he said, so why not plant an appropriate tree?

So what do you have in mind? the president asked.

Meyer pulled out a nursery catalog. Right here, a tree. A you-clipped-us.