Old and New Jokes

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florists son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said "I bet I know what it is — its some flowers!"

"Thats right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owners daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said "I bet I know what it is — its a box of candy!"

"Thats right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

What is it?"

"A puppy!"

Why dont men often show their true feelings?

Because they dont have feelings.

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, “I cant let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, “Cant let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, hes not going to let us in either.”

A Jewish mother was seen running along the beach screaming, Help! Help! My son, the doctor, is drowning!

Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.

[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the shores of Cuba.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.



Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before in your case; Im going to let you decide where you want to go.



Bill replied, well, whats the difference between the two?



St. Peter said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.



Fine, but where should I go first?



Ill leave that up to you.



Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.



So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.



This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!



Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went.



Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.



Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.



Hmmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he told St. Peter.



Fine, retorted St. Peter, as you desire.



So Bill Gates went to Hell.



Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.



Hows everything going? he asked Bill.



Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???



That was the demo, replied St. Peter.

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.

Im better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience. he replied.

Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful? I asked in stunned disbelief.

Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying My husband is home! My husband is home!

– An Amish drive-by shooting.

Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggy until you can find a rock.