Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them.

Dos mujeres de la vida galante se encuentran paseando por el bosque a las 3 de la mañana. En eso, dice una:

Oye, tengo que ir al baño.

Pues ve a orinarte al río.

¿Pero si alguien me ve?

¡Y quién diablos te va ver a las 3 de la mañana!

La segunda reflexiona y decide ir; de pronto, al estar haciéndolo exclama:

¡Oye, me estoy meando en una canoa!

¡No seas pendeja, es tu reflejo!, responde la amiga.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rene!
Rene who?
Rene the marathon!

The Norse god Thor came down to earth in his human form to find a cute human girl for some entertainment. While hanging out at a bar, he realized that the only girl who was interested in him, although attractive, had a speech impediment. However, after a few drinks, thor decided to take her to a motel anyway, where he proceeded to give her the night of her life before slipping out the door when she fell asleep.

The next day, Thor felt bad for leaving her without even telling her who he was, so he went back to earth and knocked on her door.

Who ith it? she asked with a lisp.

Its me, the guy from last night. I just wanted to tell you that Im Thor.

You think YOURE Thor?! I wont be able to thit down for a week!

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Childs stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, lets resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Childs death ruins couples holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasnt seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

A man hasnt been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

Im afraid I have some very bad news, the doctor says. Youre dying, and you dont have much time left.

Oh, thats terrible! says the man. How long have I got?

Ten, the doctor says sadly.

Ten? the man asks. Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?

Nine…

Una joven está sentada en un autobús con su hijo recién nacido, cuando un borracho llega tropezando por el pasillo y se detiene junto a ella.

¡Vaya! dice el borracho ¡Este es el bebé más feo que he visto en mi vida! La mujer se suelta a llorar. Sin entender lo que pasa, el chofer ve a la señora llorando y detiene el autobús, se levanta, atrapa al borracho y lo baja a patadas.

No sé que le haya dicho ese borracho, pero si en algo le ayuda a olvidar este mal rato, le ofrezco un poco de café de mi termo…

La joven acepta y el chofer toma su termo, y le sirve un vaso de café. Después se busca en el bolso de la chaqueta y saca una bolsa con plátano: Y esto es para su changuito…

Hearts and roses and What the hell is al People get mushy and st It is definatley the most annoying This day needs to get the hell ov Before i shove a dozen rose Ill spend the day so dru And wear all black for the Guys act all sweet, but i For all they are doing is tr The arrow Cupid shot at me m Because I think love is So heres my story…what Love bites my ass…Fuck Valentines Day!

mr brain-dead and mr heart-dead are hanging around. mr heart-dead says the next woman coming along is mine… then there comes an old woman and mr heart-dead snaps with his fingers.. the old woman dies by a heartattack. ok says mr brain-dead.. the next is mine..
a few minutes later a blonde comes along and mr brain-dead snaps and snaps and snaps and…

Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the Obits page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.

Jake, you up yet?

Jake, sleepily, Yeah, but Im only now starting my coffee.

Jake. Open the newspaper to page 31.

Why, whats in the paper?

Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!

Ok, Ok, Ive got the paper here, so whats in page 31?

Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!

All right, dont be such a pain in the kiester so early in the morning already. So, whats on page 31 thats so important?

Jake, look at the bottom of column 4.

Why? Whats that story on?

Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!

OK, OK, Ill start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silence ensues.

Finally, Jake comes on the line, a bit quietly and somewhat fearful, So, Saul … where are you calling from?