Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mao!
Mao who?
Maoth of babes!

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and hes amazed by the indoor plumbing. Hes so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out.

One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? Im sure its the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a gay man.

The hick says, How can you tell?

The inspector says, Its dented on one end.

Un grupo de apaches va por la llanura cuando, de pronto, se topan con una caravana de vaqueros. El jefe indio ordena:

Mujeres matar; hombres coger.

Uno de los indios se dirige al jefe:

Gran Jefe, ¿qué no ser al revés?

Y, rápidamente, un vaquero alega:

Mírenlo, quiere saber más que el jefe.

Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to give you a hard time what have you done wrong?

A: Made the chain too long.

After watching the Presidential debates, I just felt like writing this.

You might be a redneck if…
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

REFERENCE

THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Project Leader

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, …) for my true assessment of him.

Top 10 Reasons Studying is better than Sex



10. You can usually find someone to do it with.



9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.



8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.



7. When you open a book, you dont have to worry about who else has opened it.



6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.



5. If you dont finish a chapter you wont gain a reputation as a book teaser.



4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.



3. You dont get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.



2. You dont have to put your beer down to do it.



1. If you arent sure what youre doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother Johns wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, Im so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, Hell no! Fact is Im sort of glad to be rid of her.

She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.

Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.

She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.

Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.

I warned them that she wasnt very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway.

The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.

The old woman fainted.

Q: Why do blondes have “TGIF” on their shoes?

A: “Toes go in first.”