Old and New Jokes

There are two kinds of people in the South — good ole boys and
rednecks. The difference is good old boys may raise livestock,
rednecks get emotionally attached.

– Blake Clark

A blonde and a brunette were walking in the park when the brunette stopped and said, Look… a dead bird!

The blonde looked up and said, Where?

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, Keep off the grass. After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, Sorry, had to mow the lawn.

These two Austrians were walking through a wide African desert (do not ask me how they got there – I do not know).

After a while one of them says: Why are we walking through this desert just for this senseless joke. Let us build a bridge!

The other one agrees and they do so (what else?).

When later arriving at the airport the second one says: We idiots! Why did we build a bridge in a desert where there is no water just for the sake of this joke.

Hey, you are right, the other one said, let us go back and remove it again.

On approaching their monument the first one says: Oh, just forget it. We cannot remove this bridge.

Hey, why?, asked the other guy.

Look up, there are two Swiss standing on our bridge trying to catch a fish!

Finals Scam: Revenge of the Profs. – from my Archive with thanks to Mike Lutz

The Finals Week item, with 50 things to do during a final you know you will flunk, inspires me to pass along this true story from RIT. Acknowledgements are due my colleague Ken Reek, and former graduate student Ed Ford, who together pulled the scam off with aplomb.

Several years ago, Ken was assigned two sections of a large service course taken primarily by business students. The final exam was multiple choice, and had a well-deserved reputation for being easy to cheat on (one proctor, 250-300 students). Ken was determined to plug this hole, at least for one term.

One nice thing about such a large class is that no student knows everyone else who is enrolled. Using this, Ken asked Ed to attend the final and pretend to take it like everyone else. Ken also told Ed to be as blatent as possible about cheating.

At the start of the exam, Ken announced that anyone caught cheating off another students paper would have his or her exam confiscated and would fail the course. As the exam progressed, Ed was peering all around, while Ken periodically called out eyes on your own paper. After about three such warnings, Ken bounded up the stairs, crossed to Eds seat, grabbed the exam, tore it to shreds, and shouted Youre outta here!

According to Ken, Eds facial expression was a perfect combination of shock and terror.

For the rest of the exam, the room resembled a monastery where monks were carefully and studiously working on sacred scrolls.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.

His buddy looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wifes ass and say, How about a little? and she pretends that shes asleep!

TRUE STORIES FROM THE BUTTERBALL Turkey Hotline, where people call to get advice how to cook a Turkey from the experts.

Thanksgiving Dinner on the run.

A woman called (their number) to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey.

To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed.

The woman responded, I dont know, its still running around outside.

Tofu turkey?

No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isnt Thanksgiving without turkey.

A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

Then theres the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldnt find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger?

The stock boy replied, No maam, theyre dead.

Q: Whats the difference between a McDonalds Hamburger and Bill Clinton?

A: Some people in Arkansas havent had a McDonalds hamburger!

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarians. One of
the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him
and asked What are you in here for, buddy? The dog looked depressed,
Im in big trouble, he said, My owner has a really nice sports car with
leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he
took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat.
Now hes having me put to sleep.

I know how you feel, said the second dog. My owners have a beautiful,
expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from
work and I just couldnt help myself…I shit all over their nice carpet
and ruined it. Theyre having me put to sleep, too.

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. So what are you
here for? they asked. Well, said the third dog, my owner likes to do
her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she
knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldnt help myself. I hopped
on her back and had the ride of my life!

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, So shes having you put to sleep, too,
huh? No, said the dog, Im having my nails clipped.