Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proof reading.
08
Aug
08
Aug
He– Its coming up on your birthday and Id like some idea of what
you would like for your birthday.
She– I want a divorce!!
Pause–
He– Im really sorry, but I hadnt planned to spend that much.
08
Aug
The following are actual instructions found on the named items:
ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS;
– Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
– You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP,
– Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
– Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: – Fits one head.
ON TESCOS TIRIMISU DESERT
– Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
– Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON – Do not Iron clothes on body
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
– Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
– Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
– Warning keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
– For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
– Not to be used for the other use
ON SAINSBURYS PEANUTS
– Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
– Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
– Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS
– Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
07
Aug
Q: What did one vampire lesbian say the the other?
A: See you next month.
07
Aug
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred… Ill die for you! The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, How many times?
07
Aug
Q: Whats long, green, thin, and smells like pork?
A: Kermits finger!
07
Aug
At a paternity trial, the blondes lawyer asked, On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as Lovers Lane did the defendant have sexual relations with you ?
Yes. whispered the girl, her head bowed.
And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax ? the lawyer continued.
Oh no. she replied, Im pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas.
06
Aug
Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Read the man page!
06
Aug
A Jewish mothers answering machine:
If you want lox and eggs, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since NOBODY ever asks me how I am feeling. Who knows? I could even
be dead by now.
06
Aug
Selected-By: David Sewell dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
O Oracle most Usenet, How may I become usenet, too?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle: First, go unto John, who will baptize you in the River Usenet, asking you:
Do you believe in the Net our God? (respond, I do.)
Do you believe in the World-Wide Web?
Do you believe that the Web became man, was contaminated, died, and was buried, and rose in Version 3.0?
Do you believe that the Web will come again, on the day of the Information Superhighway?
Do you believe in the Holy Seer, the Oracle, giver of life?
Do you renounce the devil, Mephistopheles, Bill Gates, and all the incarnations of Satan?
Do you renounce his programs and temptations?
If you can faithfully answer yes to these questions, you will be given Usenet, the gift of the Holy Seer. Prepare yourself, for the day of the Highway is near!