Old and New Jokes

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home. Bet you cant guess how old I am, he says. Bet I can, she says. Bet you fifty dollars you cant tell me how old I am, he says. Youre on, she says.

Stand up. He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down. Now turn around, she says. She looks him up and she looks him down. Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants, she says.

He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . . youre 86, she says. Hes dumbounded. By golly, woman, youre right. I am 86. Howd you know? She rocks and smiles.

You told me yesterday!

Está un ventrílocuo en una fiesta de niños y empieza con su rutina:

Oye, pepito (le dice al muñeco), ¿sabes si hay alguien de Tontilandia en la fiesta?

Y el muñeco responde:

¿Para qué, para contarles tus chistes dos veces para que los entiendan?

En eso que un Tontilandés se para al fondo de la sala y grita:

Hombre, ¿pero por que nos tiran de tontos a los de Tontilandia?

El ventrílocuo se disculpa inmediatamente diciendo:

Perdón señor, no sabía que estaba usted aquí.

Y el tipo le contesta:

¡Hombre, no seas bestia, que le estoy hablando al niño que tienes en las piernas!

A man walked up to a farmers house, and knocked on the door. When the farmers wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, Get the hell away!

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, Yes!

The man replied, Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the banks underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the banks doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest, the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

Wait sir, the loan officer said, while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?

The man smiled. Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

Ten! You gotta a PROBLEM with that?

Q: Why wasnt JESUS born in Puerto Rico ?????????

A: Because they couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

Dont be angry, the Mother says, Your little sister doesnt realize that pulling hair hurts.



A short while later, theres more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.



This time the sister is bawling and her brother says…



Now she knows.

A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand.



Upon examination, he sees that its a genies lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who says, I am the genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for 1,000 years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish.



The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said, Its been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? Its called the Middle East and its a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot of money, or fame, but Id like to use this wish for peace in the Middle East.



The genie looked disappointed. He said, Im sorry sir, but I cant grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far engrained into this part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good.



Im sorry, but I just cant do that. Have you another wish?



Well, said the man. If I cant do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men. I would like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could fully understand women.



The genie replied, let me see that map again.

Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. – Larry Niven Protector

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he sad to his wife: When Im dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.

Wife: No, I cant marry anyone after you. Johnson: But I want you to. Wife: But why? Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!