A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and stops
them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are phony.
He tells them, Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use the
words liver and cheese in a sentence.
So, the first guy says, I made a liver and cheese sandwich for
lunch.
The agent says, That was good, you can go. What about you? he asks
the second guy.
He says, Liver alone, cheese mine.
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
You might be a redneck if…
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wifes bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.
Youve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
Youve ever been too drunk to fish.
Youve ever bought a used cap.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Youve ever used a weedeater indoors.
Un dÃa, frotándose la cabeza, Pepito siente una protuberancia y va y le pregunta a su mamá:
Mamá, ¿por qué tengo este chichón en la cabeza?
Pues lo tienes desde que naciste, hijo. Lo que pasa es que cuando ibas a nacer, a tu papá le dieron ganas de hacer el amor y, como tú venÃas de cabeza, te hizo ese chipote con su cosa.
Pepito se queda pensando y responde: ¡Qué suerte que venÃa de cabeza!, porque si hubiera venido de nalgas… ¡el cabrón nos coge a los dos!
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I aint givin him any of mine.
Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine.=
Ill fight im till I run him off or kill im, but IM KEEPIN ALL MY COWS.
Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: Ahem…You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.
Second Bull: Ill have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. Im certainly not looking for an argument.
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.
Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. Im just making sure he knows IM a bull!
A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the drivers seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.
Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the drivers window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said,Yes, Officer?
What are you doing? the policeman asked.
Well, sir, Im reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater.
How old are you, son? the officer asked.
Im twenty, the boy replied, looking at his watch. And in about twelve minutes, shell be eighteen.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You dont. Theyre born that way.
Lifeguard: Ive been watching you, Mr. <stereotypical ethnic
name>, and youll have to stop urinating in the pool.
<ethnic>: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?
Frank
You might be a redneck if…
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.