Old and New Jokes

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him. "Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm." "Why dont you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily."Thats what I do when Im in the kitchen."

yo momma teef so yellow, she walked in church and everybody start sangin let it shine,let it shine,let it shine.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You havent seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. Youre not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that Bachelor is a nicer term for a jackass.
14.

Extended childhood only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15.

Twenty-something means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps arent staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police dont raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You dont know what time Wendys closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

I havent sold one tractor all month, a tractor salesman tells his friend.

Thats nothing compared to my problem, his buddy replies. I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and Ill tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, Ill buy a tractor off ya.

Había una gran fiesta en Los Pinos, y muchísima gente asistió. Dos hombres charlaban entre los invitados, mientras uno de ellos ponía su objetivo en la mira:

Oye, ¿quién es esa chica?, le pregunta uno al otro.

No lo sé, ¿por qué no vas con ella y averiguas?

El sujeto se dirigió a donde estaba la dama, y le preguntó si quería bailar, a lo que ella responde:

Mire, no puedo bailar por tres razones: primera, está usted muy borracho; segunda, el Himno Nacional no se baila y, tercera, yo soy el Cardenal de Puebla.

Youll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Dont forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

I just knew I was in big trouble at work when:

the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

my assistant began responding to my memos with, Yeah, whatever.

I got a Its for you loser wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend.

the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

my secretary sez things like Get the phone, my nails arent dry.

three people began helping me write a desk manual for my job.

the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

the receptionist began saying Who ??? to anyone calling on me.

You might be a redneck if…
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

[This is original to me]

New Hampshire roads frequently have signs reading:

FROST HEAVES

I come from California. I guess this must be a New England
way to say:

WINTER SUCKS