Old and New Jokes

El padre de la iglesia se acerca a una de las feligresas más buenas:

Oye, hija, comprenderás que uno es hombre y tiene necesidades, y yo quisiera ver si pudiera haber alguna posibilidad contigo.

¡Pero, padre, estoy casada!

No hay problema, dile a tu marido que vienes a misa de gallo.

Está bien, vengo a las doce de la noche.

Dan las doce y la mujer está a punto de salir de su casa, después de una ardua pelea con el marido, pero éste no le cree y va con ella a misa. Llegan y como la misa no comienza, el marido solicita:

No hay ninguna misa, vámonos ya.

Espera, ya va a empezar.

En eso, se escucha una voz:

¡Dejen de hacer el amor!

¿Oíste eso, vieja?

Y se sigue escuchando la voz.

Voy a subir a ver qué pasa o quién grita, dice el esposo.

Cuando el hombre sube, el cura sale y lo hace con la señora. Baja el marido y le comenta a su esposa:

¡Mi vida, no me lo vas a creer, pero desde allá arriba se ve, claritito, a una pareja haciendo el amor!

Una mujer aborda un elevador de un hospital y se encuentra a un vecino:

Hola, qué tal, ¿a que piso va?

Al segundo piso, a donar sangre; me dan $75 por donación, indica la chica.

Yo voy al cuarto piso, soy donante de esperma y me dan $500 por donación.

Dos semanas después se vuelven a encontrar en el mismo elevador. El vecino la saluda y le pregunta que si va al segundo piso y ella, apenada y con la boca llena de algo, le señala con los dedos que va al cuarto piso.

Two [ethnics], Tom and Jack, were sitting in a bar one day, when two
fishermen walked in with 2 huge trout, one of the [ethnics] asked where the
guys got the fish, and the fishermen told the [ethnics] that they go down to the
bridge, one guy would hold the other by the ankles until a fish was
caught.

The [ethnics] figured that they could to that.

After holding Tom for about 20 minutes, Jack asked Tom if he had anything,
and the reply was no. About 20 more minutes passes, so Jack asked again, and
again the reply was no. Finally, Tom yelled Pull me up!! Pull me up!!
Jack exclaimed Ya got one? Tom said, No! a train is coming!

You might be a redneck if…
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your stall warning horn plays Dixie.
Your cross country flight plan uses Flea Markets as check points.
You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
Youve ever used moonshine as avgas.
You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
You constantly confuse Beechnut with Beechcraft.
The NTSB report quotes you as saying, Hey yall, watch this! just before uncontrolled descent into terrain.
Youve ever taxied around the airport drinking beer.
You use a Purina Sack as a windsock.
You fuel your aircraft from a mason jar.
You wouldnt be caught dead flying a Grumman Yankee.
You refer to Flying in Formation as, We got ourselves a convoy!
There is a sign on the side of your airplane advertising your cousins septic tank service.
The set of matched luggage you take on cross contry flights is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly.

One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says, You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember, she says. I am going to treat you like a king!

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her… Honey? he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husbands dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. Honey? he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, Oh sure!…

Youre not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

Yo mama is so stupid she went to the Empire State Building, threw off a penguin and yelled, Fly! Fly!!

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialled at random..

Salvation Army came the answer.

What do you do?

asked the man.

We save wicked men and women, came the reply.

Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. Its for my husband, she tells the clerk.

Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesnt even know that Im going to shoot him!