A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial –it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station–a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room
Youre momma so fat, she be sellin shade!
Youre momma so ugly, she walked down the street and got arrested for indecent exposure!
Youre momma so old, her s*#t has wrinkles!
Youre momma so stupid, she gave birth to you and asked the doctor if you were hers!
Youre momma so poor, her idea of big spendin is buyin a gumball!
I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher a Hot Cakes
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell fire in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not trade pants with others
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principals car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off {The board was written in an Old English font}
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school dont mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will finish what I sta
Hamsters cannot fly
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless Im sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teachers [sic] lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not teach others to fly
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell Shes Dead during roll call
The principals toupee is not a frisbee
I will not squeak chalk
Goldfish dont bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
This cazy guy walks into an insane asylum wearing nothing but plastic wrap as shorts.
The doctor walks in and tells him – I can clearly see your nuts!
Dear Bobby Ray,
Im writing this letter slow, because I know you cant read fast.
We dont live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I wont be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldnt have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure it works so well though, last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and havent seen them since.
The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for four days, and the second time for six days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Tom locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I havent found out if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother………..
Uncle Charlie fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off valiantly and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ray was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldnt get the tailgate down.
There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington Post — a contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work: If it is all the same to you I wont be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I cant get off the john, but I feel good about it. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. My stigmatas acting up. I cant come in to work today because Ill be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but
I know we have that deadline to meet… I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I wont be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, Ill be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldnt come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I wont bite things when I am startled. The dog ate my car keys. Were going to hitchhike to the vet. I prefer to remain an enigma. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I cant come t
Nolans Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
There was a Blond and a Brunette on an airplane.
All of a sudden the engine blew and they started to crash!
There was only one parachute and a flashlight.
The Brunette grabbed the parachute and the flashlight and said to the blond, Ok, This is a magic flashlight, I will shine it on the ground and you can slide down the beam of light! Then I will follow you with the parachute.
The blond looked at her sceptically and said, Do you think I am that dumb? I know when I am halfway down youre gonna turn it off!
Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal. Johnson: Montreal! Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!
Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!
Johnson: Without missing a beat replies, No kidding! What position does she play?
You might be a redneck if…
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."