Old and New Jokes

What were the last words spoken before the first Christams?

– Push, push!

STMP T VWLS

10 Words That Dont Exist, But Should:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man guy lay shun) n. Manhandling the open here spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8 PHONESIA (fo nee zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pupkus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when youre only six inches away.

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair … must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan …

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call beer. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage …

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safeties assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Ginger Katz

Quantum fluctuation. Inflation. Expansion. Strong nuclear interaction.
Particle-antiparticle annihilation. Deuterium and helium production.
Density perturbations. Recombination. Blackbody radiation. Local
contraction. Cluster formation. Reionization? Violent relaxation.
Virialization. Biased galaxy formation? Turbulent fragmentation.
Contraction. Ionization. Compression. Opaque hydrogen. Massive star
formation. Deuterium ignition. Hydrogen fusion. Hydrogen depletion. Core
contraction. Envelope expansion. Helium fusion. Carbon, oxygen, and
silicon fusion. Iron production. Implosion. Supernova explosion. Metals
injection. Star formation. Supernova explosions. Star formation.
Condensation. Planetesimal accretion. Planetary differentiation. Crust
solidification. Volatile gas expulsion. Water condensation. Water
dissociation. Ozone production. Ultraviolet absorption. Photosynthetic
unicellular organisms. Oxidation. Mutation. Natural selection and
evolution. Respiration. Cell differentiation. Sexual reproduction.
Fossilization. Land exploration. Dinosaur extinction. Mammal expansion.
Homo sapiens manifestation. Animal domestication. Food surplus production.
Civilization! Innovation. Exploration. Religion. Warring nations. Empire
creation and destruction. Exploration. Colonization. Taxation without
representation. Revolution. Constitution. Election. Expansion.
Industrialization. Rebellion. Emancipation Proclamation. Invention. Mass
production. Urbanization. Immigration. World conflagration. League of
Nations. Suffrage extension. Depression. World conflagration. Fission
explosions. United Nations. Space exploration. Assassinations. Lunar
excursions. Resignation. Computerization. World Trade Organization.
Internet expansion. Composition. Extrapolation?

Copyright 1996 by Eric Schulman

(Inspired by The History of the United States in 100 words or Less by
David Hyatt (C) 1992).

Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor – were going to need a mop. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that? Hand me that….uh….that uh….thingie.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Darn, there go the lights again… Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Heck, the guys got two of em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating? Its throwing my concentration off.. Whats this doing here? I hate it when theyre missing stuff in here. Thats cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadnt forgotten my glasses.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floors clean, right? Anyone see where I left that scalpel? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Dont worry. I think it is sharp enough. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!! Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Guinea!
Guinea who!
Guinea a break!

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: Its because I saw one on daddys lettuce, but now its gone.

Q. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A. Quarter-pounder with cheese

Upon dying, Bill Gates went topurgatory.

St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and youhave done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

So,Bill takes a look at hell and sees these beautiful women running around, in 80 degreetemperature, on beautiful beaches.

Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, youknow harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.

So he said to St. Peter that hewould like to go to hell.

About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check onBill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.

He said to St. Peter, “What happenedto all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”

Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”