Old and New Jokes

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

Alimony:

1) A contraction of the term all-his-money.

2) A splitting headache.

3) Its the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.

4) Paying for something you dont get.

5) Thats the same as buying corn for somebody elses cow.

6) The high cost of leaving.

7) The last laugh.

8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husbands checkbook.

9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.

10) A womans cash surrender value.

11) The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband? One whos alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.

And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!

Young lad on knee of a department-store Santa: Please notice one thing – Im adequately clothed.

At the Mall with their Mother, upon hearing Santa Claus is Coming to Town, a little boy said to his sister, Listen Jean! Theyre playing our song.

A small boy wrote in a Christmas Card to his Aunt: And I want to thank you for all the presents you have sent in the past, as well as all the ones you are going to send me this Christmas.

A blank survey form was recently crossposted to several newsgroups which
cater to people who communicate via long distance by use of the net (muds,
irc, email, usenet, etc). It was made for email replies but Tony Quirke
posted his hilarious follow-up back to the net. I figured others might also
find this amusing so Im submitting it here with Tonys permission:

Re: A survey about LD relationships [rec.humor.funny]
Re: A survey about LD relationships

Submitted by Glenn S.
I Wore What You Did Last Summer

I Suck At My Job

What Really Goes Down In The White House

How I Blew It In Washington

You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

Going Back for Gore

Podium Girl

Secret Services to the President

Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton

Deep Inside The Oval Office

The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions

Shes Chief of MY Staff!

Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes

How To Beat Off the Government

Going Down and Moving Up

Members of the Presidential Cabinet

Me and My Big Mouth

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.The farmer simply replied, Theyre lookin to get married, so you came to the right place. Look em over and pick the one you want.The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the mans opinion. Well, said the man, shes just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.Well, the man replied, shes just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, Shes perfect, just perfect. Shes the one I want to marry. So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.Well, explained the farmer, She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…pregnant when you met her.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we dont do livestock.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

I dreamed I was on vacation, one man said fondly. It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.

I had a great dream too, said the other. I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.

His companion looked over and exhorted, You dreamed you had two women, and you didnt call me?

Oh, I did, said the other, but when I called, your wife said youd gone fishing.