Old and New Jokes

Tell the widow that the deceaseds last wish was that she make love with you.
Tell the undertaker that he cant close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
Tell the widow that youre the deceasds gay lover.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around telling people that youve seen the will and theyre not in it.
Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
Drive behind the widows limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow to give the deceaseds wooden leg to someone poor who cant afford firewood.
Walk around telling people that the deceased didnt like them.
Use the deceaseds tongue to lick a stamp.
Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
Take up a collection to pay off the deceased gambling debts.
Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
Put crazy Glue on the deceaseds lips just before the widows last kiss.
Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
When no-ones looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceaseds mouth.
Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS! and pretend to faint.
At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
Tell everyone youre from the IRS and youre confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesnt keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Jim (yes, I know there are thirty one…)

You might be a redneck if…
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You might be a redneck if…
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

Man to wife: Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting! Wife: They arent wrinkles, theyre laugh lines! Man: Nothing is that freakin funny!!

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, Pardon me, maam, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, No he didnt. He just walked in the door.

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots havent seen the joke yet.

a man decided to go out fishing. while he was fishing his pole started to yank hard. so the man started wheeling in as fast and hard as he could. he saw the fish and it was pretty big.he said to himself ooo i can take this one home for dinner. then the fish sayed… if u free me i will grant u 3 wishes…BUT!…on your wishes your neighbor will have twice as much. so the man sayed ok…i wish to have a huge beautiful house.BOOM! theres a huge beautiful house house. but he sees his neighbor with two huge beautiful houses…so the man gets kinda jealous but o well. so goes on to his next wish…i wish had a nice red ferrari ok BOOM! there it is but he sees his neighbor with 2 of them! now this guy is really mad and says i wish i wish i had 1 of my testicles removed. ok ..BOOM! then he hears a big scream comming from hi s neighbor i think u get y.

Iba un jorobado con una borrachera del 15, calle abajo cantando la canción:

Madresita del alma querida, en mi pecho llevo una flor.

Y le grita una vecina de la ventana:

¿Y atrás que llevas? ¿La maceta?

En un parque hay dos estatuas, una de un hombre desnudo y otra de una mujer también desnuda. Las estatuas han estado allí, una frente a la otra, durante mas de cien años. Un día un ángel baja del cielo. Con un simple gesto les da vida a las dos estatuas y les dice:

Como recompensa por haber sido tan pacientes durante tantos años, habiendo tenido que soportar lluvias, tempestades y veranos ardientes, les concedo vida durante media hora para que hagan lo que se les ocurra.

El hombre y la mujer se miran y al instante ambos se van corriendo detrás de unos arbustos.

El ángel espera pacientemente mirando hacia los arbustos, los cuales se mueven agitadamente, mientras se escuchan risitas y otros sonidos. A los quince minutos regresan visiblemente cansados… pero muy contentos. El ángel, conmovido, le dice:

Les concedo quince minutos más. ¿Quieren volver a repetir lo que hicieron?

¿Tu que opinas, mujer?

¡Claro… por supuesto! ¡Vamos ya, pero cambiemos de posición! Esta vez tu sujetas a la paloma firmemente… ¡y yo le cago encima!