Old and New Jokes

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for a heart attack the gentleman was having. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady replied, Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming – but I guess he was going.

Hold on to your nuts, this is not ordinary blow job!

I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

by Irish Rovers (1986?)

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say theres no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Shed been drinkin too much egg nog,
And wed begged her not to go.
But shed left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.

When they found her Christmas mornin,
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin Claus marks on her back.

Grandma go run over by a reindeer,
Walkin home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say theres no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
Hes been takin this so well.
See him in there watchin football,
Drinkin beer and playin cards with cousin Belle.

Its not Christmas without Grandma.
All the familys dressed in black.
And we just cant help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say theres no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of pig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandmas wig.

Ive warned all my friends and neighbours.
Better watch out for yourselves.
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say theres no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, What are you going to do with the money? Take jewelry to city and sell it, said the old man. What have you got for collateral? queried the banker, going strictly by the book. Dont know of collateral. Well thats something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles? Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup. The banker shook his head, How about livestock? Yes, I have a horse. How old is it? I dont know; it has no teeth. Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, Heres the money to pay loan, he said, handing the entire amount including interest. What are you going to do with the rest of that money? Put it in my pocket. Why dont you deposit it in my bank? he asked. I dont know of deposit. Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it. The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, What you got for collateral?

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, I know its none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one routine?

Well, slurred the man, Theres a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then its time for me to go home.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you dont believe it, consider these weird deaths:



A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luises car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him.



Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him.



Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused

Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.



George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.



Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not

to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.



Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.



In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay

stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd,

leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the

space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.



While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat,

which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horses owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify

the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.



Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snails pace near the center of the road. At the

moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars werent scratched.



In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that

started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.



Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wifes incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she

remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in

and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didnt answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. Oh, stammered the woman, I was expecting the baker. The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew were discussing how they had dominated their spouses. After the Frenchman, and the Italian finished their bragging, they turned to the Jew and asked, How about you?

Last night, I had her crawling to me on her hands and knees

Impressed they asked,How did you do that?

Vell, I vaw hiding under the bed and she crawled over and said Come out and fight like a man, youputz