Old and New Jokes

She must have the new wonder panties because its a wonder how she got all that ass in them.

Gun Shop Owner: Hi, How can I help you?

Client: Im lookin for a gun.



Owner:What kind of gun are you lookin for?



Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): That one looks about right.



Owner: (very surprised): Why do you need a .44 magnum?



Client: Its for shootin at cans.



Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans.



Client: (pointing again at the .44): Nah, I need this one.



Owner: OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?



Client: Mexi-cans…….Puerto Ri-cans……..Afri-cans

John comes home from holidays and almost immediately has another confrontation with his neighbour and long time enemy.



Later, inside and unpacking, he finds a bottle he didnt remember buying. Still it looks good so he gives it polish . . ., and whoosh, out comes a genie.





Oh holder of the bottle, I grant thee three wishes; but be warned that what you wish for is granted doubly to your greatest enemy.





Well I wish my last girlfriend would come back and be in love with me again asks John for his first wish. Hearing his name being called from the next room tells him shes back. John looks out his window and sees his neighbour with two women clearly besotted with him.





For my second wish, I want a big mansion says John who goes outside and sees his house has grown into a mansion. The neighbours house being a mansion twice as big.





At this stage the genie reminds him that his enemy will still get double for the third and final wish.





Then for my third wish, I want . . . I want you to remove one of my testicles.

Its Good Enough For Government Work.

Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.

If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.

Bunch of printed pages that tell you whats
coming in the next issue.

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. Henry, he said, Im counting on you to do your stuff. And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didnt stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, Stop, Henry, youll kill yourself. But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, Oh you poor thing, look what you did, youve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.

Shhhhh, Henry whispered, The buzzard is getting closer.

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

1. A dog

2. A donkey

3. A shovel

4. A fish

5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at Least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship.

To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didnt grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. The audience applauded enthusiastically

The President smiled and said, Im glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple.

First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews dont read from left to right, but from right to left……

Now, look again….. It now says : HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!

01. -Youve got a hole in your head.

02. -Your master strangles you all the time.

03. -Your head is smaller than the rest of you

04. -You shrink in cold water.

05. -You never get a haircut.

06. -You always hang around with 2 nuts.

07. -Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

08. -Your best friend is a pussy.

09. -Your scalp gets cut off if youre Jewish.

10. -Everytime you get excited, you throw up.