A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, I forgot my teeth.
The man said, No problem. With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. Try these, he said.
The speaker tried them. Too loose, he said.
The man then said, I have another pair…try these.
The speaker tried them and responded, Too tight.
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, I have one more paid of false teeth…try them.
The speaker said, They fit perfectly. With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? Ive been looking for a good dentist.
The man replied, Im not a dentist. Im the local undertaker.
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldnt take it
anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the
Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic. The men were so relieved–now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.The next years Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!They called each other up and decided to meet over in Johns yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.
Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it? Patient (with a grin): Black pepper!
No diet will remove
all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without
a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.
~George Bernard Shaw
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?
Mike replies: Wait a minute, Im going for a piss.
The teacher says: That would be very rude and improper on your part.
Charlie replies: Im sorry I need to go to the toilet, Ill be back in a minute.
The teacher says: Thats much better but to mention the word toilet during a meal, is unpleasant.
And Little Johnny says: My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sam!
Sam who?
Sam day youll recognise me!
THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.
8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says Youve got lawsuits!
6. Youre suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sothebys says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse Knock it off, Oedipus e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.
This document copyright © 1999 by Chris White.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
Estaba un granjero sentado junto a su granero, desesperado porque habÃa un topo que ya tres años seguidos habÃa arruinado su cosecha entera, y era tan escurridizo que nunca lo podia atrapar, cuando de repente recuerda que vio un anuncio de un famoso exterminador de topos, un experto en este asunto, y decidió llamarlo.
Al dÃa siguiente llegó el experto Venancio, y prometió que en menos de un dÃa encontrarÃa y matarÃa al topo, y que lo iba a arrojar al basurero. Entonces el granjero le dijo que no querÃa que fuera rápida su muerte, sino que fuera lenta y dolorosa, para que el topo pagara por todos los daños que hizo. Venancio estuvo de acuerdo, y se fue a cazarlo.
Al dÃa siguiente, Venancio llega corriendo y muy alegre le dice al granjero:
Hombre, ¿adivina qué he hecho?
El granjero muy contento le pregunta que si ya mató al topo, y Venancio le contesta: ¡Claro, lo maté de la forma más cruel, la más lenta, y fue en el mismo lugar donde hizo su desbarate!
Entonces el granjero le pregunta cómo lo mató. Venancio, muy orgulloso del éxito obtenido, le dice:
Pues creo que lo he hecho perfectamente, lo cogÃ, le grité, cavé un agujero y para que sufriera ¡lo enterré vivo!