Old and New Jokes

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, Well have they
got a verdict yet?

The bailiff shook his head and said, Verdict? Hell, theyre still
doing nominating speeches for the foremans position!

The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.



Hey Willis!! the farmer yelled. Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then Ill help you get the wagon up.



Thats mighty nice of you, Willis answered, but I dont think Pa would like me to.



Aw, come on, the farmer insisted.



Well okay, the boy finally agreed, and added, But Pa wont like it.



After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.



Dont be foolish ! the neighbor said with a smile. By the way, where is he?



Under the wagon.

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesnt get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrots neck.A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the fathers collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Verdi!
Verdi who?
Verdi been all day!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Herman!
Herman who?
Herman is handsome!

Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagans apparent poor memory.

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.

The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy, again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray.

Llega un borracho a las oficinas del Gobierno de la Ciudad de México; toca la puerta y se dirige al guardia:

Quiero ser Jefe del Gobierno del Distrito Federal, ¿cuáles son los requisitos?

¡¿Está usted loco, mariguano, idiota o es un imbécil?!

¡No, pos con tantos requisitos mejor ya no!

The Twelve Days After Christmas



The first day after Christmas

My true love and I had a fight

And so I chopped the pear tree down

And burnt it, just for spite



Then with a single cartridge

I shot that blasted partridge



My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.



The second day after Christmas

I pulled on the old rubber gloves

And very gently wrung the necks

Of both the turtle doves



My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.



On the third day after Christmas

My mother caught the croup

I had to use the three French hens

To make some chicken soup [peop100078_x51.WMF (46812 bytes)]



The four calling birds were a big mistake

For their language was obscene

The five golden rings were completely fake

and turned my fingers green.



The sixth day after Christmas

The six laying geese wouldnt lay

So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.



On the seventh day, what a mess I found

The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned

(I think theres a my true love gave to me in here somewhere)



The eighth day after Christmas

Before they could suspect

I bundled up the

Eight maids-a-milking

Nine ladies dancing

Ten lords-a-leaping

Eleven pipers piping

Twelve drummers drumming – well, actually I kept one of the

drummers –

And sent them back collect



I wrote my true love

We are through, love!

And I said in so many words

Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the

(Soprani) Birds!



(Everyone else) Four calling birds,

Three french hens,

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree!

OBSERVATION:

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you dont, you are not a man.



If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you dont, you are good for nothing.



If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing. If you dont, you are not understanding.



If you make romance, you are an experienced man. If you dont you are half a man.



If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you dont, she accuses you of double crossing.



If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you dont, you are a dull boy.



If you are jealous, she says its bad. If you dont , she thinks you do not love her.



If you attempt a romance, she says you didnt respect her. If you dont, she thinks you do not like her.



If you are a minute late, she complains its hard to wait. If she is late, she says thats a girls way.



If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, oh its natural, we are girls.



If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.



If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks its just one of the mans tactics.



If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.



If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.



ANALYSIS:



These creatures So simple, So weak, So confusing, y



CONCLUSION:



It is a wonder that these WOMEN are able to survive in the world. All test results have indicated that WOMEN are irrational. Precaution is advised when handling them.