Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between Iraqs air force and the United States Air Force?

A: The U.S. pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, whatll you have? The man says, Give me three pints of Guinness please.So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until theyre gone. He then orders three more.The bartender says, Sir, I know you like them cold. You dont have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low Ill bring you a fresh cold one.The man says, You dont understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night wed still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and were drinking together.The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.The bartender said to him, I know what your tradition is, and Id just like to say that Im sorry that one of your brothers died.The man said, Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.

By the way, where is your restroom?

The bartender quickly replies -,

The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.

To whom it may concern:

Here is what I came up with, what I even lost sleep over (the concept
popped into my head around midnight, and I was striving to make mine as good
as the originals). Some are good; some are bad; all are mine.

The Jungle Fever Book
Bill & Ted & Carol & Alices Excellent Adventures
Singin in the Purple Rain
39 Step-mothers Are Aliens
My Darling, My Hamburger Hill
Little Orphan Tate (Little Man Annie?)
Whatever Happened to Three Men and Baby Jane?
Guess Whos Coming Late for Dinner
Adventures in Babysitting Bill and Ted
Sound of the Music Man
Children of a Lesser Corn God
St. Elmos Firestarter
Backdraft to the Future
Angelheart at My Table
Hunt for Red Sonja
Spaceballs the Odyssey
Whos That Valleygirl?
Meaning of the Life of Brian
Harold & Micki & Maude
Code of Silence of the Lambs
Back to the Futureshock
Stand and Deliver by Me
Valley of the Gods Must Be Crazy
Lord of the Flies of Discipline
The Breakfast Club of Tiffanys

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack, he heard a strange disembodied voice come through the darkness: Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and waited… When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and resumed searching for more valuables. Just as he disconnected the stereo, he heard again, clear as a bell:

Jesus is watching you.

Completely freaked, he shone his light around looking for the source of the voice. In a corner of the room the beam came to rest upon an African parrot.

Did you say that?! he hissed at the parrot.

Yep, the bird replied. Im just trying to warn you.

The burglar visibly relaxed. Warn me, huh?! Who the heck are you?

Moses, replied the parrot.

The burglar laughed, What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?

Probably, the bird answered, the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus.

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
You, sir, are drunk!
And you maam, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!

A little girl says, Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

Why sure you can, her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grand dads lap she says, Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?

A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.

The girl says, Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?

Perplexed, her grand dad says, Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?

And the little girl says, Cause Grandma said that when you croak, were going to Florida!

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing us from labor, honor, and color.

You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You know what a toque is.

Youve plugged a car in overnight.

Youve defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you dont own a gun.

The story goes that Bill Gates made a billion dollars in a single week on his investments. When asked if he would reinvest the money back into MicroSoft, he said, Well … I guess so. But remember a billion dollars doesnt go as far as it used to.

A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animals skin from its feel. And if he could locate the bullet hole. he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, Spring Buck. Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, Shot with a .22 rifle. The others could not believe it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, Kalahari Lion and fingering the bullet hole said, and the rifle was a .308, which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye? His wife replied angrily, From me, of course.

But what did I do? he asked. She replied, You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone, Skunk, killed with an axe.