Old and New Jokes

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

Assume you drive your car at light speed. What happens when you turn on the head lights?

How to identify where a driver is from…

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or anothers car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didnt hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida seasoned citizen driver, also known as no-see-um …. also seen a lot in Parksville!!!

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctors, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

   And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, I can do better than that.

This message is done on 100% recycled electrons.

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Davey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded east-bound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, leaving the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

Thank God we werent on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off, or we might have been dead stated Wallis.

Ive been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would admit how the accident happened, said Deputy Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Pooles wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

Okay, here are a few ethnic hunting jokes:

Two ethnics are out duck hunting. They hunt and hunt and hunt into the late
hours of the evening and still have not killed one duck. Finally, ethnic #1
says to ethnic #2:

Maybe wed do better if we threw the dog up higher.

The United States of America apologizes to the Peoples Republic of China for allowing our slow, lumbering reconnaissance plane to be hit by your poorly trained, hot-dogging fighter pilot, while flying in international airspace.

Were sorry we have to fly surveillance missions to monitor a country that has nuclear missiles pointed at us.

Were sorry your pilot didnt follow international standards of fighter intercept protocol.

Were sorry his aircraft recognition skills were so poor he didnt realize the EP-3 aircraft was propeller driven and flew his aircraft through its propeller arc, destroying his aircraft and nearly killing 24 American crewmen.

Were sorry your fighter pilots survival training and equipment was so inadequate that he couldnt survive until your poorly trained and equipped navy could find him (they turned down our offer for search and rescue assistance).

Were sorry you violated international law and arrested the crewmen of an aircraft that legally diverted into your airfield under emergency conditions caused by your pilots actions, after being led there by one of your other pilots.

Were sorry you violated international law and boarded a state aircraft.

Were sorry the world is now seeing you for the enemy of freedom, truth, and democracy that you really are.

Were sorry you see yourself as a superpower when in reality you are a third world nation (the average Chinese worker earns less than $.10 a day).

Were sorry you are loosing so much face over this.

Were sorry that you were able to steal some missile and nuclear secrets from us.

Were sorry you havent learned from the Soviet Unions collapse and failed to embrace democracy and capitalism (compare tiny Taiwan and mainland China; same people, same culture, but Taiwans capitalistic economy is a powerhouse and Chinas economy is still mired in communism).

Were sorry for the future Chinese military deaths that will occur when we retaliate for your roguish behavior.

And most of all, were sorry for the Chinese people who suffer its leaders incompetence.

Sincerely,

Rob Robinette

Citizen of the United States of America

P.S. If a speed boat goes out to inspect a cruise ship and they collide, who do you think is at fault?

A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one day when an Indian came up to her. He had a feather in his hair. "How did you get that feather?" the woman asked."I screw one squaw," the Indian said. Then, another Indian came up to her. He had two feathers in his hair. "How did you get those feathers?" she asked. "I screw two squaw," he said. Then, an Indian with a headdress of feathers came up to her."My! How did you get all those feathers?" she asked. "I screw two squaw, four squirrel, five rabbit, eight bear." he answered. "Oh dear!" said the woman. The Indian replied, "No deer, deer jump too high, balls get stuck in bush."

A woman told her friend, “For eighteen years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world. Then we met”.

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldnt let him in until he proved his identity.Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know youre Picasso?" Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me youre George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know." St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove youre George W. Bush?" Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, cmon on in."

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop…suddenly the Towns Fire
Alarm went off … one jumped up and headed for the door … his friend
shouted, Hey, Tom, I didnt know you were a fireman!

Tom replied, Im not, but my girlfriends husband is…