Editors Note:
Here it is folks, the oneliner file. Over the past year, I have
received several short submissions that were mildly funny, but
not quite good enough or topical enough to merit their own posting.
I have collected them all for you, and its time to flush the
buffer. These vary in quality quite a bit, and are not rated.
Please dont take this as an invitation to send me your own
favourite one liners. There are thousands of these things in
the world, and I dont have time to sift through them except on
an infrequent basis. Remember, one joke per submission.
My advice is to read this file slowly if you can, one joke at a
time. Oneliner jokes are often ruined if read together in
a bunch.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Q: DO I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q: MY PARENTS SAY THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY WERE TWENTYONE. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE BEFORE THEY CAN FAX?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.
Q: IF I FAX MYSELF, WILL I GO BLIND?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q: THERE IS A PLACE ON OUR STREET WHERE YOU CAN GO AND PAY FOR FAX. IS THIS LEGAL?
A: Yes. many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and Must pay a professional when their needs to fax become too great.
Q: SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one youre faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax.
Q: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE PROCEDURE AND I FAX PREMATURELY?
A: Dont panic. Many people prematurely fax when they havent faxed in a long time. Just start Over; Most people wont mind if you try again.
Q: I HAVE A PERSONAL AND BUSINESS FAX. CAN TRANSMISSIONS BECOME MIXED UP?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you wont transmit anything Youre not supposed to.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, Youve lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.
The cat thinks for a minute and says Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor… The Lord stops the cat and says Say no more! Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.
A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: All of our lives weve been chased. Weve had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmers wife with her broom. Were tired of running… Say no more! The Lord replies. In a flash, eachmouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.
About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, How are things since you got here?
The cat stretches, yawns, and replies Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels youve been sending are the BEST!!!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Theresa!
Theresa who?
Theresa fly in my soup!
Posted in Knock-knock |
Una señora de unos 60 años se va sin su esposo a un Congreso a Cuba. Cuando llega al hotel de La Habana encuentra en su habitación a un negro de dos metros desnudo con una pilila que quitaba el sentido. Hacen el amor una y otra vez hasta que amanece… ella le pregunta: Mi amor ¿cómo te llamas? Y el responde: no te lo pienso decir porque te reirÃas.
Y asà dÃa tras dÃa durante una larga semana hasta que llega el dÃa de regreso a España.
El cubanito la acompaña al aeropuerto. Y una vez más y antes de despedirse le dice al negrito: por última vez, dime cómo te llamas.
El le responde: Prométeme que no te vas a reÃr… Me llamo Nieve.
La señora suelta una gran carcajada… Y el cubano le dice: ves como te reÃste…
Y responde la señora: No me reÃdo de tu nombre, sino de la cara que va a poner mi marido cuando le diga que estuve una semana en Cuba con 35 centÃmetros de nieve.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?, he asked.
Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.
A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?, he asked again.
Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. She replied again.
A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said –
What a cute little fart!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)= PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
(P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) Thats what they are there for.
(P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
Posted in Aviation |
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Falafel!
Falafel who?
Falafel off my bike and cut my knee!
Posted in Knock-knock |
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
Posted in Business |