A husband and his wife are spending a quiet evening watching TV. Suddenly, a loud knock sounds at the door.
Charlie says, Sit still Helen, Ill see who it is.
He opens the door and is startled to see a huge masked man. He jumps back in surprise and says, Are you a robber?
No, Im a rapist!
Charlie yells, Helen, its for y-o-o-u- u-u!
Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious? Doctor: Well, I wouldnt advise you to start watching any serials on TV.
In the olden days of the Legion Etrangere (French Foreign Legion), Lieutenant Lefevre was extremely happy to be posted near Bir Ounane, right in the middle it seems, of the desert.
Boy howdy, did he enjoy the challenge of the elements, the demands for personal survival skills, the camaraderie of the other officers, etc! In fact, for four months, he enjoyed EVERYTHING!
Around the beginning of his fifth month there, a steady ache in his groin reminded him that the hadnt had any female companionship and that it was time to put his johnson back to work. He confided one day in Sergeant LeBrun: Sergeant, Ive got a personal problem. I need a woman. What do the men do when they have this urge?
Sir, responded Sergeant LeBrun, theres no problem. They usually take the camel…
Non, non, non. Jamais! Never! Never! screamed the lieutenant. I will not descend to such low conduct.
Well, about two months later, he really is feeling horny, and he asks the sergeant to point out the camel. Stepping up behind the camel, he drops his pants, plants his dick in the camel and humps away. The camel roars and roars, the more the lieutenant pumps. Finishing, he asks, Well, sergeant, I guess youve never seen anybody screw a camel better than that!
Thats true, mon lieutenant, they usually take the camel into town to the whorehouse.
One day there was a boy at school and his teacher told him to get 4 spelling words.
1st he went to his Brother and asked Could you give me a spelling word? His Brother answered ShutUp So he wrote down Shutup.
2nd he went to his Mother and asked her. She answered Certainly He wrote down certinly.
3rd he wen to his Dad and asked for somthing sweet. His dad answered Lolipop so he wrote down Lolipop.
4th he went to his little brother and asked the question. He answered In my Little Blue Car
The next day he went to school and his teacher asked for the words. He said his 1st word Shutup. Then she asked Do you want to go to the principles office? He said is second word Certainly. In the principals office the principal asked what do you think you deserve, the boy answered Lolipop!! Then the principal asked What do you think your punishment should be? The boy answered To go in my Little Blue Car!!!!
Two little old ladies who have a very weak eyesight go shopping one day.
After shopping a while, they decide to go to the rest room. Mistakenly,
they walk into the mens room instead of the ladies room. Two men who are
equally desperate to take a leak are standing on the urinals and about to
begin.
The two ladies walk in and the men not knowing what else to do, put their
backs against the wall and pretend that they are part of the rest-room
fixtures.
The first lady, mistaking one of the men for the sink, walks up to him and
pulls his penis a couple of times. The man looses control and lets go. She
then turns to the other one and says, Oh, My… you should try this one.
It has warm water!
The second lady replies, No dear, I think Ill stick with this one. It
not only has warm water, it dispenses liquid soap as well!
A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired
a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock
of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.
The guide grabbed his arm and said Oh,no! These are foo birds and
to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you! The man
figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down.
Then the rest of the flock returned aand pooped all over him.
He hollared at the boy, I must have some water right away to wash
this mess off. The boy said Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird
off means sudden death immediately! Again the hunter ignored his
advice, found water and got cleaned off.
Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story
is If the foo shits, wear it.
Xerox and Wurlitzer: Theyre going to make reproductive organs
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker
W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey Im Home
Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants
Knotts Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New compant will be called Zip Audi Do-Da
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Q: How do you make him stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by Lucille. He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
She dont never leave no number, so I cant call her back, he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didnt leave a number.
She leaves her name, was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb came on.
How does she spell her name? the service rep asked.
L-O-W C-E-L-L
Another problem solved.