Old and New Jokes

An 80 year old couple decide they want kids again. They visit the doctor who suggests, since they are a little older than usual, some tests might be in order.

He hands the couple a small jar and asks them to go next door and for the gentleman to fill it so they can test his sperm count.

A few minutes later the couple returns and hands back the jar. The doctor exclaims, But its still empty!

The main replies, I know. I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with both hands, and I still couldnt do it.

Then my wife tried with her right hand, then her left hand, and with both hands. She tried with her teeth in and her teeth out, and we still couldnt get the lid off that jar!

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, Im sorry, but I couldnt help overhearing your conversation. Im a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and Im trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why dont I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. Youll have some customers and my patients will have a night out.

Well, the publican isnt sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.

So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.

He says to the publican, They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and Ill settle up at closing time.

The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.

At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that hes charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.

Lets call It $150, he says.

The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, Thats fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?

A lawyers dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyers office and asks, if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner?

The lawyer answers, Absolutely.

Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation

Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing.

Johnnie replies, Im watching that bull fuck the black cow.

The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.

Johnnie says, OK. and the preacher leaves.

The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?

Johnnie replies, He sure did! He fucked the white one!

Un día una persona fue a donde su primo que estaba medio loco y le preguntó:

¿Oye y tu familia?

Y el loco responde: está muerta.

Entonces el primo cuerdo lo interroga:

¿Y qué le paso a tu papá?

Lo atropelló un camión.

¡Como! ¿y tu mamá?

La atropelló un camión.

¡No puede ser! ¿Y tu hermano?

Lo atropelló un camión.

¡Imposible! ¿y tu hermana?

La atropelló un camión.

¿Oye y no viste la matrícula del camión?

Y el primo loco responde:

¿Como querias que viera la matrícula? Si yo iba manejando el camión…

Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay church?

A: Only half the congregation is kneeling!!

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, Why, Mike, this wouldnt be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?

That it is, Mike replied grimly, ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.



You mean you pinched his honor? asked Pat.



How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume? demanded Mike.



Well, mused Pat, tis life and theres a lesson in this somewhere.



That there is, replied Mike. Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.

One Sunday, a priest decided to skip church and go hunting in the nieghbooring forest. So while he was hunting he saw a gigantic grizzly bear the had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The priest thought the bear was good game, so he clumsily shot at it, and he missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and started charging at the priest. The priest used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed. Dear God, he said, Please let this bear be a good christian, a better one than I was. As the bear drew closer, is dropped to its knees and said, Dear God, thank you for this meal I am about to receive.

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, June.

Yes, this is June.

Will you marry me?

Of course I will! Whos this?

Nature is a mother.